Wolverine to Run for President!

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Vote for me. I’ll slash our debt!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The powerful mutant known as Wolverine has announced that he will run for president in 2020.

“In my travels across this great land of ours I have noticed a few things” said Wolverine.

One: Citizens are concerned about the growing power of our government and how it tramples certain bedrock principles. Two: Our debt is unsustainable and we must pay it down. Three:  Patrick Stewart is crazy and scares mutants. Four: Chicks dig my claws. Well I’m glad someone likes them. Did you ever try to do crunches with these claws?  Damn if I don’t have lacerations all down the back of my neck. But I digress. I want to talk about my platform. I will reduce the size of our Federal government. I will return power to the states as our Constitution envisioned. I will stop out of control spending and reduce our deficit. I will find Patrick Stewart and kill him.  It doesn’t have to be Patrick Stewart.

The enemy of the people!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any bald man in a wheelchair will do. And finally, I will make America great again with my claws, which chicks really dig. And like I said I’m glad someone like my claws. You ever try urinating when you have claws?  I have to point and shoot and hope I make the urinal because holding it in my hands can be extremely dangerous. I don’t want to damage my member because chicks really dig my claws.  Oh, and I forgot. My  adamantium skeleton will give me steel to stand up to Putin and Russian collusion. So vote for me!

While many are calling Wolverine’s candidacy a “game-changer” he doesn’t come without baggage that political opponents will be able to use against him.

“Does Wolverine care about the rights of black people?” asked one talking head at CNN.

How do we know he won’t use his claws to attack black people? How do we know he won’t use his claws for some sort of modern high-tech lynching of black people?  Wolverine talks about slashing the debt? That’s a racist dog whistle if there ever was one. How is he going to reduce our debt? By cutting spending! That hurts black people! Black people need the Federal Government to spend money on them!

Wolverine has also yet to clarify his position on the dangers of climate change.

“Climate change is the biggest threat to our country today” said Joe Scarborough of MSNBC’s Morning Joe show.

If climate change isn’t stopped, if we don’t outlaw high-flush toilets and 100-watt light bulbs for the masses soon the ocean side manors of the elite will be under water. And I’m sure we can all agree that the needs of the many must be subsumed to the needs of the few. Wolverine must address this issue before he gets my vote.

Despite this opposition, Wolverine says he looks forward to getting his message across and highly anticipates debating his most likely opponent Elizabeth Warren.

“I will destroy her. Though I mean that in a totally not ripping her face off with my claws way. The claws chicks dig.”

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2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Wolverine is obviously racist. But don’t worry, Beto will save us.

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