My Exclusive Interview with His Eminence Cardinal Joseph Tobin of Newark

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Nighty night baby!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing His Eminence, Joseph Cardinal Tobin, Archbishop of Newark and successor to the apostles.

MI: Good afternoon Cardinal Tobin.

CT:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: It’s been a rough couple months for America’s Catholics, hasn’t it?

CT: Yes. We in the hierarchy have had to put up with a lot from an irrational, angry laity.

MI: Well many in the laity feel that they have been lied to and played the fool by the hierarchy, especially in the light of the scandal involving former Cardinal and now Archbishop Theodore McCarrick and his serial abuse of seminarians.

CT: I know nothing about that. I see nothing about that.

MI: Really? So you are saying that you have not heard anything about a so-called “gay subculture” in the Newark archdiocese?

CT: I am a prince of The Church. I can be believed. I have absolutely no knowledge of this “gay subculture.”  I asked everyone and nobody said they knew about it. I even asked my boyfriend if he knew about any gay subculture and he said he didn’t know. And believe me if anyone can find a gay subculture it would be him.

[Pause]

MI: I’m sorry. What? You asked your boyfriend?

[Pause]

CT: I misspoke. When I said boyfriend I really meant male prostitute.

[Pause]

MI: What the hell are you saying?

CT: I misspoke. When I said male prostitute I really meant a young male I just met on Tinder. He may or may not have been a prostitute.

[Pause]

MI: WHAT THE HELL, MAN!

CT: I misspoke. When I said young male I met on Tinder I meant the young men I keep chained in the rectory basement. We pass them along to other bishops. Sometimes we mark them with satanic symbols.

[Manhattan Infidel puts his head in his hands]

CT: But back to your original point. I have no knowledge of a gay subculture existing in the archdiocese. And neither does anyone else. No knowledge whatsoever. And I remind you I am a Prince of The Church. I can be trusted.

MI: I don’t know what to say.

CT: You don’t have to say anything. Just kiss my ring.

MI: Yeah, I’m a Catholic but I don’t kiss anyone’s ring.  Now on to my second question.

CT: Good. I’m here to answer all questions. Unless it’s about a gay subculture, which I know absolutely nothing about. And neither does my boyfriend.

[Pause]

MI: I’m going to ignore that. Anyway you recently got into some hot water – 

CT: With my boyfriend?

MI: LET ME FINISH THE QUESTION!  You recently got into some hot water when you tweeted  “Supposed to be airborne in ten minutes. Nighty-night baby. I love you.”  Who was that tweet directed towards? 

Nighty night baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

CT: My sister.

MI: Your sister?

CT: Yes. Definitely my sister. Not my boyfriend. Though when I say boyfriend I mean male prostitute. And by that I mean young male I just met on Tinder for a hookup. And by that I mean the young men I keep chained in my basement for sadomasochistic sex rituals. But again, I have no knowledge of a gay subculture in the Archdiocese of Newark.

[Manhattan Infidel’s head explodes]

CT: Was that nice? I just had these vestments washed!

You know, sometimes we are better off not knowing anything.

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