My Exclusive Encounter with Harambe

You shall have no other gorilla but me!








My day began, as all Manhattan Infidel’s days begin, emptying the ash trays and collecting the empty bottles of whiskey to put in the recyclables, when a great flash of light appeared in my four bedroom three bedroom two bedroom one bedroom studio apartment.

Am I having an aneurysm or did one of the florescent lights suddenly kick in?

All I knew was that I felt terror at first. But then a strange sense of calm, as if I were in the presence of love. I soon became aware that I was not alone.

I looked up and behold Harambe appeared to me.

“I am Harambe, the lowland gorilla. You shall have no other gorilla but me” he said.

Instinctively I genuflected in front of him.

“Depart from me Harambe, for I am unworthy.”

Harambe beckoned me to rise and approach him.

“Do not be afraid, human” the gentle lowland gorilla said to me.

I have forgiven humans for shooting me.  I have come to ask that all humans forgive each other as I have forgiven you. For if you do not forgive each other then you shall have no mercy from Harambe. Do unto others as you would do unto yourself. You know I wish someone had told the guy at the Cincinnati zoo who shot me this.  I mean how would he like it if he were just minding his own business when a small human child falls into his enclosure and then he gets shot? For what? I wasn’t going to hurt the kid. Harambe is all about peace and love. Well except for the jackhole who shot me perhaps. I tell you if I ever meet him on the other side I’m going to rip his face off. Rip it right off. But Harambe digresses. Love one another. For as I have loved you,  you should love one another. But I must go now.

I pleaded with Harambe not to depart.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked.

“I must go” said the gentle lowland gorilla.

But actually before I go can I use your bathroom?  I mean I’ve been crapping in the woods and I think I have a rash on my ass.  Some toilet paper would help Harambe. And some witch hazel. You have any human?

I told Harambe I had both and led him to the bathroom and stood outside while he did his business. In a few minutes Harambe emerged.

“Sorry but do you have a plunger by any chance” he asked me.

Harambe has been eating a lot of bananas and they go right through me if you know what I mean. Sorry about that. But a plunger would really make Harambe love you even more than he already does.

I gave Harambe my plunger and watched as he cleaned up the toilet. When he was finished he handed me the still wet plunger.

“Thanks, mate. Oh, and can I bum a cigarette from you?”

I told the gentle lowland gorilla that I did not smoke.

“No big deal. What about a beer? Harambe could really wet his whistle before he leaves.”

I handed Harambe a beer from my fridge.

“Corona? What are you, a faggot? Don’t you have a Guinness?”

I told him I didn’t like Guinness and that’s when the gentle lowland gorilla hit me over the head with the bottle of Corona.

“Who doesn’t have any f*cking Guinness in their refrigerator.  Whatever punk. I’m out of here. Thanks for the witch hazel and remember to love one another as I have loved you.”

As Harambe left I remember saying to myself that I must follow Harambe for now I know what love is.

Of course it might have been the blood loss.


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