John McCain Dies; Pentagon to Honor Him by Bombing Funeral

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Bomb it! Don’t care why but bomb it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) died Saturday night.  The face of the military-industrial complex has said, through his family, that the best way to remember him would be to bomb his funeral.

“No doubt many of my colleagues from Capitol Hill will be there” he reportedly said shortly before dying.

This would be highly suspicious. In fact downright provocative. I can see them now, whispering to each other, planning something. As to what they would be planning I don’t know but it can’t be good. I would call upon the Pentagon to respond forcibly to this event by bombing it. Bomb it into submission!

General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, welcomed McCain’s suggestion.

“John was a good friend of the military” said the marine general.

He always gave us work. And we always stood buy him.  We were with him when he wanted to bomb Syria. We were with him when he wanted to bomb Libya. We were with him when he wanted to bomb West and Central Africa. We were with him when he wanted to bomb Iran. We stood by him when he wanted to bomb Bosnia and Kosovo. We supported him when he wanted to bomb the Ukraine. We stood by him when he wanted to bomb Russia. We were with him when he wanted to bomb North Korea. We stood by him when he wanted to bomb China. And we were with him, for the most part, when he asked to bomb other countries.

The “for the most part” probably refers to McCain’s 2004 call to “bomb the shit” out of Estonia.

“I was in a hotel room in Estonia and the porn channel was scrambled” said the frustrated Senator.

Come on. I’m John Freakin’ McCain. I didn’t spend seven years as a POW in Vietnam just so a rinky dink country like Estonia can scramble their porn when John Freakin’ McCain wants to watch some! Bomb the hell out of them. That’ll teach them a lesson.

Among the other countries McCain has called to be bombed include:

  • Ireland

Too damn rainy. Has way too many Irishmen living in it.”

  • New Zealand

“Greedy bastards. Do they really need two islands?”

  • Australia

A kangaroo punched me once. Probably a commie kangaroo.”

  • France

“Their cheese is overrated.”

  • Maryland

“Not really part of the United States.”

  • That island on Lost

Evangeline Lilly never returns my calls.”

  • Gilligan’s Island

“Gilligan knows too many State secrets.”

  • Earth

Goddammit somebody has to be bombed! Why not use a wide net?”

Despite not bombing all of McCain’s suggestions, out of respect the Pentagon has announced that they will be bombing his funeral. A pentagon spokesperson has asked all mourners to arrive early and wear flowers on their lapels asking for peace.

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2 Comments

2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Hmmm. Maryland. Maybe he had a point.

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