People are like good you know and they definitely won’t stab us to death!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the unusual pleasure of interviewing two dead people, namely Americans and elite Georgetown graduates Jay Austin and Lauren Geoghegan.

MI: Good afternoon to both of you.

JA & LG: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Would the two of you like anything to eat?

JA & LG:  We are dead. We have no need of food or drink. But thank you for the offer.

MI: Many of my readers aren’t familiar with your inspirational story so why don’t you give them the backstory.

JA: Don’t mind if I do. Lauren and I both worked in DC. I’m a vegan who worked in the Department of Housing and Urban Development and my lovely partner – I won’t say wife since marriage celebrates the transfer of property rights in women from the father to the husband – is a vegetarian who worked in a college admissions office.  We both decided to do something meaningful with our lives instead of sitting in an office in front of a glowing rectangle, of coloring the best years of my life in swaths of grey and beige. I missed too many sunsets while my back was turned.

MI: So you both quit.

JA: Yes. 

LG:  And decided to bike around the world.

MI: I see. Why?

JA: Partly for adventure. But also because we wanted to make a point.

MI: That point being?

JA: Evil is a make-believe concept we’ve invented to deal with the complexities of fellow humans holding values and beliefs and perspectives different than our own.

MI: I see. [Pause] Are you an idiot?

JA: No. I have a college degree.

LG: He’s a vegan too! And that makes him smart.

MI: So did anything interesting happen to you on your bike tour of the world?

JA: Yes. We were killed by ISIS in Kajikistan.

MI: Really? How? It must have been an accident.

JA: No. They rammed our bikes and then stabbed us to death.

MI: What was the last thing that went through your mind?

LG: Probably that 12 inch blade.

JA: I apologize for my partner. She is a woman and feels things deeper than men.

LG: I certainly felt that 12 inch blade penetrating my skull very deeply.

MI: What a horrible way to die. Why did they do this?

JA: They said they wanted to kill unbelievers.

MI: Pardon me for saying this but aren’t your murders an act of evil?

JA: No. Evil doesn’t exist. I place the blame for our deaths at the feet of Donald Trump and the Islamophobia of the west.

MI: Lauren do you agree?

JA:  Of course she agrees with me. She’s a woman.

MI: Lauren?

[Pause]

LG: This f*cking idiot got me killed!

JA: Lauren! I thought we talked about this. Donald Trump is to blame.

LG: No you are you f*cking asshole. Now I have to spend eternity with a dumbass vegan!

JA: Lauren!  What’s wrong? 

LG:What’s wrong? I got stabbed in the head with a f*cking 12 inch blade you jackhole.

JA: You’re so emotional. Is it that time of the month? I sympathize. Periods are foisted on women as part of the patriarchal domination of your gender.

LG: Go f*ck yourself asshole.

MI: Well I’ll just leave you two alone to figure things out.

Dead people. Who knew they could be such bitches.

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