Suck it humans!

The beloved peanut known as Mr. Peanut shocked the world today when he grew to 75 feet tall and went on a rampage, destroying a town, ripping up interstates, killing innocent men, women and children and causing over 30 million in property damage.

“I was sitting in my back yard sipping a beer when it all started” said one shocked local.

I heard a lot of screaming and people were shouting, “It’s the end of the world!’ and “The Abomination of Desolation!” At first I thought they might have been talking about Miley Cyrus but then I looked up and saw a 75-foot peanut with no pants and wearing a monocle. Look I’m a fairly tolerant person but I will not tolerate someone with a monocle around my children. So I yelled at him, “Hey you with the monocle. Have you no shame?  There are children around here.” That’s when he bent over and shit all over my house. Ruined the car, flooded everything. My wife was inside the house. I haven’t seen her since. On retrospect perhaps it was a mistake to challenge a 75-foot anthropomorphic talking peanut.

After defecating on the monocle-hating man’s house Mr. Peanut continued his arc of destruction, walking down Main Street and using his walking stick to crush humans like bugs.

“Get out of my way humans! I’m Mr. Peanut and I’m tired of your shit” said the formerly beloved peanut.

Fearing the complete breakdown of civil society the governor called in the national guard and tasked them with stopping the peanut menace.

“How does this happen in America in 2018” said the governor.

Mr. Peanut is clearly an assault peanut. As part of my reelection campaign I am calling for complete peanut control. All talking anthropomorphic peanuts must be registered. Unregistered talking peanuts, giant or otherwise, shall be fined. I am also proposing so-called “Safe” laws. All peanuts must be locked in safes when not being used. Even the non-anthropomorphic ones.

The governor’s proposal was greeted with approbation by the media with CNN calling it “The greatest thing to happen to America since the Emancipation Proclamation.”

After destroying three more town and with the national guard ineffective the President authorized the governor to use nuclear weapons to stop the 75-foot monocle-wearing anthropomorphic talking peanut menace.

The weapon was used, creating a swath of destruction across the community and killing 100,000 residents. While this angered some, most were happy that the large, talking peanut would never terrorize them again.

As to Mr.  Peanut’s motives, since he is dead they will remain a mystery, although many feel that the racism of white people was responsible.

“If there is one thing white people hate it is blacks and 75-foot anthropomorphic peanuts” said a reporter for MSNBC.

“Okay technically that’s two but the point remains. Oh wait I forgot about redistribution of wealth. So that’s three things white people hate: Blacks, 75-foot anthropomorphic peanuts and socialism.”

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