It’s the Eurotrash apocalypse!

Once every four years a horrible event occurs that forces Americans indoors to drink alone at home instead of at bars like they should.

Yes bars will be filled with brawling, foul-mouthed, uncouth Englishman.  Your bars. The bars you usually go to to watch a baseball game. In peace and quiet. Like a civilized American. ‘Murica baby! But for a month this avenue will be closed as the Eurotrash invade our streets and populate our bars.

Being displaced from my favorite bar for the next month I now present a handy guide on how to survive this Eurotrash apocalypse.

•  There is a man wearing a t shirt of the flag of England vomiting by my front door. Should I help him?

Definitely not. He’s no doubt filled with rage and very dangerous. He is filled with shame over England’s shitty soccer team. After all, the last time England won a World Cup they weren’t even a Muslim nation. Allah be praised.

• Will I be able to visit my favorite bar during the World Cup?

Sure you can. But I’m assuming you also like being punched and vomited upon. For your bar, your home away from home, will be filled with undocumented immigrants from the British Isles and they will be loud, ill-mannered, uncouth and using foul language. Really – don’t you get enough of that at work? They will look down on your colonial ignorance of the sacred game. But don’t worry. After it is over your bartender will welcome you back and apologize for kicking you out during the World Cup. He might even give you free drinks, wink at you and say “Sorry. But we thought we were going to make more money off of the Limeys.”

• I heard FIFA is corrupt. Is this true?

Yes. FIFA makes the IOC look like choir boys. In fact FIFA headquarters has a painting of Bill and Hillary Clinton in the lobby with the caption “They taught us all we know.”  Did FIFA assassinate JFK?  Wouldn’t put it past them. Was FIFA behind 9/11?  Wouldn’t put it past them. Was the Godfather based on FIFA?  Yes. Did FIFA urge the Beatles to fire Pete Best?  Yes. But that’s just common sense.

•  I feel like I’m missing out on the World Cup. I mean everybody else is watching it.

You are missing out on Jack Squat, son. Soccer sucks. That’s how “they” get you. They make you think you’re missing out on an event that is uniting the entire world. Trust me.  The Cup will end in an exciting “nil-nil” tie in “extratime.”

• That doesn’t sound very exciting. Tell me again why soccer is so popular?

No one likes it actually. The rest of the world just pretends to like it to annoy Americans.

• Wow. So the rest of the world can – 

Suck it as we remove our troops and let them pay for their own defense.

• But my coworker insists I watch a “match” with him.

Hit him over the head with a baseball bat.

• But he’s my friend!

HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT.  I’m not telling you a third time!

• The Cup will last a month. A month I cannot go to my favorite bars. Do I have to drink at home?

‘Fraid so.

• But I can’t drink at home. My wife yells at me when I drink at home.

HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT! Then dump the body in international waters.

There you have it my loyal readers. May all of you survive the World Cup!

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