Energizer Bunny Tests Positive for Cocaine!

I need to score man!











The Energizer Bunny, popular mascot for Energizer batteries, has tested positive for cocaine, ending what had been a legendary career in mascot circles.

“Energizer has severed all ties with the Energizer Bunny” said the Energizer Company in an official statement.

We are deeply saddened by these events and wish to state that the Energizer Company in no way condones the Bunny’s behavior or drug abuse in general. While we thank the Energizer Bunny for his corporate services over the years we must part ways. We met with the Energizer Bunny and his representatives earlier today and he fully understands and accepts our decision. This has been a painful day for all of us and we send our hopes and prayers to the Bunny and wish him luck overcoming his addiction.

Despite the statement that the Energizer Bunny “understands and accepts” the decision to fire him there are doubts that he has adjusted to life as an ex mascot.

Leaving Energizer corporate headquarters after being fired, the Bunny, wearing his trademark black sunglasses was in no mood to speak to waiting reporters.

“I got nothing to f*cking say” he shouted while giving the press the finger.

Do you understand you vultures. I got nothing to say. I don’t deserve this treatment. I gave my life to Energizer. And they treat me like this? Sure I’ve made mistakes. I’m just a rabbit after all. I’m fallible. I need excitement and a fix now and then. But my private life is my private life and it never affected me professionally. You know what?  Screw Energizer. Screw corporate America. I’m voting for Bernie Sanders. Bring down all the c*cksuckers in the capitalist system. Workers and bunnies of the world unite!

Despite the Energizer Bunny’s insistence that his cocaine problem did not affect his on air performance, those behind the scenes tell a different tale.

“He kept messing it up” said the director of his last commercial.

I mean all he had to do was beat that damn bass drum. He couldn’t do even that. He was sweating profusely and beating the drum so hard he punched a hole in it. We had to use 12 different drums. He destroyed them all. Then he started humping the leg of the P.A. and saying “Daddy needs some action.” We had to hush the whole thing up and shut down production. We ended up using outtakes from his earlier commercials. I’ve dealt with addicted actors before but I’ve never seen anyone this deep in the throes of addiction. Except for Charlie Sheen of course.

As to who will replace the Energizer Bunny, Energizer says they have already inked a deal with David Crosby (pictured here).

Energizer’s new spokesman







“David has been an American Icon for over 50 years” said an Energizer spokesman.

“He’s very well known and there has never been a hint of scandal or drug abuse in his past. What?  Ah crap.”


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    I tried to warn popular Devil Witch, Joni Mitchell, about Crosby but she wouldn’t listen. Now look at her.

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