FBI Releases New Gun Protocol Policy!

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Two weeks ago an FBI agent did a back flip on a dance floor in Denver. His gun came out and discharged, shooting a man in the leg.

Since the much-publicized incident top FBI officials have been working around the clock protecting us from the Russians by spying on Presidential candidates to write a new gun protocol and safety policy.

Using my skills as a journalist So honey you come here often? Do you like older men? Would you like to touch it? I have obtained the new policy which I now give to my loyal readers.

FBI Official Gun Protocol Policy (For Internal Use Only – Not For ATF Consumption Though We Do Admire Their Spunk in Burning all Those Women and Children to Death at Waco)

We at the FBI take gun safety very seriously. Almost as seriously as spying on Republican Presidential candidates and preventing the will of the people from being enforced. Recently an off-duty agent discharged his gun, shooting an American citizen. Fortunately the citizen shot was a Republican.

To ensure that all agents are safe we now present the following new rules that they must follow. (Except of course when spying on Republican presidential candidates.)

  • All agents must take the following introductory gun safety courses.  Attendance is mandatory (unless agents are assigned to spying on Republican presidential candidates).
  1. The safety is your friend
  2. No seriously always have your safety on
  3. For the last time please use your safety
  4. I know putting your gun in the back of your pants looks cool and all that but seriously don’t do it. The gun might fall out and shoot someone (who may not even be a Republican or a Christian)
  • Once these four introductory courses have been take agents (unless you are on assignment spying on Republicans, any Republicans because they don’t really have to be Presidential candidates we just like spying on those anti-deep state bastards) must take the following intermediate level courses.
  1. So you’ve just accidentally discharged your weapon. What now?
  2. How to tell Democrats from Republicans 
  3. The importance of not shooting Democrats
  4. Crap I’ve just shot a Democrat!
  • Once you have taken these intermediate course agents will then have the choice of taking these advanced level gun courses or spying on Republicans.
  1. How to destroy all evidence that you shot a Democrat by burning his house down
  2. Badly burned bodies can still be identified by dental records – How to remove teeth from a body before burning it
  3. Trouble removing the teeth?  How to cut off the head and dispose separately
  4. The death of one Democrat diminishes us all – How to retroactively change said dead person’s voter registration from Democrat to Republican

We here at the FBI hope that the following courses will improve gun safety with our field officers. And again, do not share this with agents from the ATF, though we think they changed their name to the ATFE just to confuse us the bastards. But props to them for burning to death all those women and children.

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2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Every gun is a loaded gun, which is useful when you’re hunting down Republicans.

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