Boring!

With the Winter Olympics finally over I see that the ratings for NBC have crashed and burned harder than Paul Walker into a Santa Clarita lamp post.

Which only goes to prove my point. The Winter Olympics are like empathy: Everyone says they like it but most of us manage to lead productive and fulfilling lives without it.

But since my erstwhile colleagues at the Peacock network have paid more for the Olympics than Stevie Nicks on a 30-year coke binge I feel it is my duty to provide for them some tips on increasing viewership for future Winter Olympic games.

• Guns guns guns!

Everyone loves the run and shoot. Why not combine the run and shoot with every competition? Just imagine the ratings if ice skaters were shot during their competitions? “He’s about to do his signature move and  oh……..shot through the head. That’s got to be tough for the plucky young skater. And here come the towel boys to mop the blood off the ice.”

Just picture how exciting downhill skiing will be if guns were involved. As to how they could be incorporated that would be up to the Olympic organizers. I suggest having the skiers carry rifles and shoot at the competition. Or perhaps have the audience armed and let them pick off the skiers as they fly by. Now I know what you are saying. “Manhattan Infidel that’s just cruel and guns are icky and un-American!” Perhaps. But the name of the game is to increase ratings and as we have seen with the recent school shooting in Florida networks respond to guns like puritans respond to prostitutes:  “I shouldn’t. It’s wrong. But I can’t help myself. I got to get me some of that!”  Making guns a part of every competition ensures that ratings will increase.

Besides, haven’t we all secretly wanted to see those goddamn curlers get shot up?

• Homosexuals homosexuals homosexuals!

From Cole Porter to Barack Obama America loves homosexuals. Witness Adam Rippon who melted hearts across the nation with his saucy piqueness and well-informed, literate political commentary during the Olympics. And now, after finishing 10th, is a hot, in-demand commodity. Wait. He finished tenth?  Imagine if he had actually won something!

Going forward I propose that all Olympians be homosexual. Those who aren’t must sign a pledge stating that they will engage in homosexual activity at some point during the Olympics. Said homosexual activity can be limited to oral. And remember, if you beat them up afterwards it’s not gay! So no beating up your sexual partners. Unless they are Republicans who voted for Trump. How those people disgust me!

On a sad note NBC announcer Johnny Weir reportedly threw a fit because fellow homosexual Rippon was more popular than he was. Can’t we all just get along? What ever happened to the brotherhood of sisterhood?

Remember we have a common enemy: Those damn Christians!

Those are two suggestions I humbly submit to NBC that I believe will vastly improve their ratings. NBC might want to combine my suggestions and have an all “homosexuals with guns” Olympics. No one would be able to resist that.

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