Congress to Legislate School Shootings; Calls Continue to Regulate Process


This is all Donald Trump’s fault







Facing an increasingly angry media branch of their party, Democrats on Capitol Hill today demanded that the Federal government tax and regulate future school shootings.

“The Republicans want us to sit back and do nothing” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

We Democrats have a more compassionate program. We call on congress to pass a school shooting tax. Our government has a right to tax. Taxes are moral. Taxes are the price we pay to live in a civilized society. Under our proposal any school that is shot up will have to pay a five percent tax. All parents from the school will pay it. Except for undocumented Hispanics. Parents have to pay their fair share. We in Washington will tell you what that fair share will be.

The bill introduced by the Democrats, the “Affordable School Shooting Act”¬†was hailed by Luis Gutierrez (D-IL).

“By taxing all schools we will make school shootings available for Hispanics and other peoples of color” he said.

I’m tired of having all the white schools get shot up. Every time a crazy white boy shoots up a school we in the Hispanic community feel left out. This is wrong. It should stop. We are Americans too and we demand the right to shoot up our classmates. When the last shooting occurred I went to an inner city high school in my district and implored the Hispanic brothers and sisters to start shooting. Most of them already carry knives so a gun would not be much of a problem. Perhaps a gun with a bump stock. That’s why I’m excited to tax school shootings. The money derived from that will pay for guns for our lower income Hispanic students and any money left over will be used to fund gun control programs.

Steny Hoyer (D-MD) tried to reassure those worried about the Affordable School Shooting Act.

“If you like your school shooter you can keep your school shooter” said the¬†septuagenarian.

All we are doing is allowing everyone to have access to a school shooting. And taxing it of course. Well, some call it a tax and some call it a penalty but it’s the same thing. The government gets your money and gives it back to the community. That’s why we are known as the compassionate party.

The newly-formed association¬†of American School Shooters (“ASS”) commended the Democrats for the Affordable School Shooters Act but says it is just the first step.

“School shooters need to be verified” said the organization’s manifesto.

At this moment shootings are chaotic and the entire field is open to those who aren’t qualified to shoot up their school. This reflects poorly upon all of us. We propose a certification program for school shooters. A series of tests designed to weed out unqualified shooters. Those who become certified school shooters only need pay a licensing fee to the government. A licensing fee that is fair to all.

President Trump called the Democratic proposal “ridiculous.”

But what do you expect from a Russian operative?



2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Look, Infidel. The Government is your friend, it needs more money.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      I feel much shame for not wanting to give my fair share (as determined by Nancy Pelosi) to our masters in Washington.

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