An Open Letter From the FBI!

We’re good. We’re smart and gosh darnit people like us!







The following is a paid announcement courtesy of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Hello young people of America and greetings from the Federal Bureau of Investigation!

As many of you are contemplating a career choice after you finish college may we suggest a position at the FBI?  If you decide to become an FBI agent you will have an exciting and rewarding career with many chances for advancement. Especially now since many of our agents have been forced to resign lately. You know. Russia and all that. Not that our agents broke the law. We are the law.

But anyway with so many resignations we have open positions available in our agency. 

Perhaps you have the skill set to join us?

Are you

  • Good at investigating? 

I know that might seem self-explanatory since we are the Federal Bureau of Investigation. But many of us quite frankly aren’t very good at it. Take this thing with the kid who shot up a school in Florida. Turns out someone had sent us a tip because he said in an internet chat room that he wanted to shoot up a school. Granted he used his real name but how are we supposed to track him down from that? We may have a budget of 8.7 billion but most of that goes to paying off sexual harassment claims. That doesn’t leave much money for anything else. Hell we’re still using Windows 98 here at the headquarters in DC. So young folk, if you know how to find someone online consider a career in the FBI. Investigative skills are key. Most of us here can’t find our car in the employee parking lot. If you’re hired you could start out doing that. My car is green.  Has a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you like investigating.”  Seriously. I haven’t seen my car in a few days.

  • Non-partisan?

We here at the agency, much like other Federal agencies like the IRS, the NSA and the CIA remain neutral in issues of politics. Okay you got me. We’re all Democrats. If you’re a Republican we’ll have to investigate you. Again not that we are any good at that. But we are open to hiring Republicans. Seriously. It’s one of our goals. Hire more Republicans and Hispanics. If you are a Republican Hispanic all the better. On second thought strike that. We don’t like Cubans.  So if you happen to be a young Republican you can join us and investigate yourself. Perhaps get a FISA warrant on yourself. It’s for the good of the country. You know. Russia and all that.

  • Good at Information Technology?

A couple years ago someone told us Hillary had a private email server and it was located in the bathroom of her estate. What the hell is a server? Does it have something to do with volleyball? Needless to say we dropped the ball on that one. We found out later that a server is a big computer that stores lots of files. I mean a big one. Maybe 300 MB or something.

  • Good at investigating?

I hate to harp on the investigation angle but I really need to find my car. My car key is supposed to have some sort of beeping thing on it that goes off when I’m near it but I don’t know how to activate it.  Could someone investigate that for me?


The Federal Bureau of Investigation

It’s nice to know we are in good hands.



2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    I’m sorry but this is outrageous.

    Russian bots hacked the election and now you’re undermining our democracy by ATTACKING THE FBI??

    Report yourself to Gwyneth Paltrow, immediately.

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