Whatever you do, don’t blink

It’s been memogate, memogate, memogate the past week in America.

First was the release of the Republican memo which exposed how Obama used the FBI to spy on Trump.  The Democrats naturally wanted to release their own memo.  It was blocked by Trump because it contained sensitive data.

However using my sources on Capitol Hill (hookers, meth dealers, legendary game show host Wink Martindale) I have been able to obtain the full unredacted Democratic House Intel memo, which I will now share with my readers reader no one apparently.

UNCLASSIFIED

Declassified by order of the President — February 12, 2018

January 31, 2018

To: HPSCI Majority Members

From: HPSCI Majority Staff

Subject: Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act Abuses at the Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation

On February 2nd the Republicans released a memo purporting to show that The DOJ and FBI were hopelessly politicized and used information they knew was fake to obtain FISA warrants against members of the Trump campaign.

We in the Democratic Party (“The Party”) categorically deny these allegations. And we will now totally not stack our response memo with sensitive classified intel that will force President Trump to veto its publication. We will totally not do that. Not. Do. That.

The FBI is not politicized and frankly we are shocked that the Republicans would risk disclosing sensitive FBI sources.

We in The Party have worked closely with the FBI for many years, going back to the 1960s when we had the FBI beat up and kill Freedom Riders in Mississippi.  Not once did we disclose this sensitive data.

We ordered the FBI to use their agent James Earl Ray to assassinate Martin Luther King. Again, we did not disclose this information to the public.

We had nothing to do with Chappaquiddick however, as much as we would like to take the credit. That was all on Teddy and his insatiable sexual and alcohol appetite.

Do you see how we are totally NOT putting sensitive, classified in this memo?

The following people are CIA agents (if knowledge of this got out their lives would be in danger).

• Adam Sandler
• Brad Pitt
• George Clooney
• Legendary game show host Wink Martindale
• Prince Harry
• Vladimir Putin
• Those three actresses from Charmed. You know, the show about female empowerment. Yes we realize four actresses starred on Charmed but we don’t count the one who replaced Shannen Doherty.
• The entire roster of the New York Rangers
• Gary Coleman (who isn’t dead just deep undercover)
• Queen Elizabeth
• Mike Evans (the first actor to play Lionel Jefferson. No not the second actor even though his name was also Evans and no they were not related)
• Bill Maher

Again, you see how we are not stacking this memo with classified intelligence?

Adam Schiff hasn’t blinked in five years. He’s a big Doctor Who fan you see and he’s worried about Weeping Angels.

Miley Cyrus is an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy. There are many aliens from that galaxy on Earth. But we will never disclose their names.

Hillary Clinton is an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy.

Okay, so we lied.

Now that we have compiled this memo and totally not stacked it with classified information we urge President Trump to stop playing politics and allow its release.

Signed, The members of the House Intelligence Committee from The Party

Thank you.

Oh, and Whoopie Goldberg is not an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy. We checked.

I don’t know why President Trump blocked the release of this memo. It seems pretty straight forward and innocent to me.

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