Russia Russia Russia!

The past couple days have left me traumatized and frightened for the future of America. How deep does the Russian conspiracy go? How many Russian Bots are out there? To answer these questions I decided to go straight to the top, to the most powerful and knowledgeable person in the universe. However Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson were not available. So I went to God who, while not as knowledgeable as Nye or Tyson, is almost as powerful.

MI: Good afternoon God.

G: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. You know I have watched you and followed you closely from the moment of your birth.

MI: I see. Because you are all knowing and all seeing obviously.

G: Well no. I get email updates on every person on Earth. Lots of email to sort through. I’ll have to get my I.T. department to increase the size of my mailbox. I’m starting to fall behind. Speaking of falling behind are The Beatles still together? God how I love them.

MI:  They broke up.

G: No! What happened?

MI: John married Yoko.

G: Say no more. It’s always women causing problems. What about The Who?

MI: Moon and Entwistle died.

G: Holy crap. Captain and Tennille?

MI: Divorced.

G: Me dammit!  Journey?

MI: Still together.

G: Oh that’s good.

MI: But they have a new lead singer who isn’t Steve Perry.

G: What the hell is going on down there? It’s absolute chaos!

MI: Speaking of chaos you might have heard that the United States is currently embroiled in a controversy over whether Russia colluded with President Donald Trump to interfere in the 2016 election.

G: Wait. Donald Trump is President?

MI: Yes.

G: Don’t know about him. I always liked his wife Ivana, however.

MI: They divorced.

G:  Me dammit! No one tells me anything.

MI: Back to the issue of Russian collusion. It’s causing lots of anger in America. People say we may be headed towards another civil war.

G: Yes. Dissension. Strife. Mankind is prone to these. It’s all the result of that mysterious original sin.

MI: Is there anything we can do?

G: Believe in me. Stay close to the sacraments. Pray and attend mass.

MI: This is good to know. Anything else?

G: Vote Democrat.

MI: Um. What?

G: Voting Democrat is the only way to avoid strife. Always vote Democrat. It’s what God wants. To vote Republican is to do Putin’s job for him.

MI:What are you saying?

G:Voting Republican is doing the will of Russia. Vote Democrat always and impeach Donald Trump.

MI: Wait a minute!

[Manhattan Infidel rips God’s mask off to reveal his metallic skeleton.]  

Russia Russia Russia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: You’re a bot!  You’re a goddamn Russian Bot!

G: You have nothing to fear from Vladimir Putin. He is wise and compassionate and brave.

MI: I’m getting the hell out of here.

G:Wait. Before you go can you tell me if Benny Goodman is still touring with his quartet?

MI: All dead.

G:  It’s like I’m blind up here. My I.T. people have to get off their asses and work with me.

And so ended my interview with God. Who, as it turns out, is just another Russian Bot. If nothing else that explains all the damn liturgical dance.

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