Who needs ratings? It’s all about bragging rights

After severing all ties with Donald Trump over his comments about the undocumented immigrants crossing our southern border NBC announced today that after an extensive search for a host who would “promote the values of NBC” they have finally found their man.  Or woman. Depending on your point of view.

“We believe our new host will continue the popularity of the Apprentice” said Robert Greenblatt, the Chairman of NBC Entertainment.

Sure we had stratospheric ratings with Trump but after his racist comments we panicked and fired him. I mean we did the honorable thing and severed ties with him. So after that we had to consider a new host. Naturally we weren’t going to hire another white male. Not after Trump’s comments. So we started searching for an undocumented immigrant of color.  Just to prove Trump wrong.  But then we thought is it enough that this person is an undocumented person of color?  Why not a gay undocumented person of color? But then we thought would that be enough?  Why not a gay transsexual person of color? But then we thought why not a post op transsexual person of color?  Because gays are the new blacks and transsexuals are the new gays and post ops are the new pre ops. You see, it’s logic like this that has helped me make NBC the entertainment juggernaut that it is.

After an extensive search of the nightclubs of Los Angeles a gay post op undocumented transsexual was found whom executives at the network felt was a perfect fit for rebranding NBC as the “Network of progressive and fluid sex.”

It’s possible that the new host may not click with red state America.  It’s possible ratings will plunge and sponsors will want to pay us less to advertise. It’s possible profits will disappear.  As the chairman of NBC entertainment none of this interests me. I am not here to make money for the company.  I am here to ensure that NBC can flaunt its progressive credentials.

The final touch in finding a new host was to get one who was gluten intolerant.

Yes, it’s important that our new host was undocumented.  Yes, it’s important that our new host was a post op transsexual. But the fact that he, I’m sorry, I apologize for the patriarchal pronoun, that she is all these is not enough. Many Americans suffer from intolerance to gluten. So by finding a host who also suffered from this we were showing our solidarity with America.

After the new host was hired she was forced to eat cookies, a loaf of bread and a six pack of beer to test for gluten intolerance.

We watched her bloat and run to the bathroom with diarrhea.  Then we knew we had our woman.

Finally it was time to introduce the new host.  Not speaking English an interpreter was on hand.

“I now present the new undocumented post op gay transsexual host of the Apprentice” declared Greenblatt. “With gluten intolerance to boot!”

The new host appeared alarmed and through her interpreter said this:

Post op?  No one said anything about post op?  I’m not chopping my penis off!  I’m a hustler. That’s how I make my money!

The new season of the Apprentice, sans Trump, will debut in October.

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