The Progressive Annotated Declaration of Independence (Part VIII)

The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

And now finally the end of the Declaration of Independence, the end of my series and the end of the world as we know it.  What?  Oh.  So the apocalypse has been postponed? But I even bought a mask to cover my radiation scarred face when I worship the bomb.  The heavens declare the glory of the Bomb, and the firmament showeth His handiwork.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress [1], Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world [2] for the rectitude [3] of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority [4] of the good People of these Colonies, [5] solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right [6] ought to be Free and Independent [7] States; that they are Absolved [8] from all Allegiance to the British  [9] Crown, [10] and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved [11]; and that as Free [12] and Independent States, they have full Power [13]  to levy War [14] , conclude Peace, contract Alliances [15] , establish Commerce [16], and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support [17] of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence [18], we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes [19] and our sacred [20] Honor [21].


  1. General congress?  I thought this was a sexual congress.  You mean I brought oils for nothing?
  2. Supreme judge?  Supreme deity?  That’s racist.  Unless Jefferson meant Buddha or that transcendental meditation guy.  They’re spiritual but not religious.
  3. I have no idea what this word means but it sounds like anal sex.  In which case that’s cool.  I don’t judge.  I’m just enlightened and progressive like that.
  4. As stated in earlier editions of this series, all Authority comes from the consent of those who allow Barack Obama to rule us, lucky people that we are.
  5. Reconquista!  Mexico will no longer stand by and let the United States rule its conquered territories of California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas.
  6. Not a reference to right-wing.  Right wing people are stupid and racist.  It makes me feel good about myself to say this.
  7. Independence is racist.  Only gun-crazed teabaggers living in the hills want to be independent.  It takes a village you know.  The Federal government is just a bigger village.  With unlimited police power.
  8. Absolved?  Isn’t that what Catholic priests do in the confessional?  Absolve people?  That sounds religious.  And anything religious is racist.
  9. Will and Kate!  Will and Kate!  And their baby too!  I can’t wait until their baby grows up to be our sexy divine right ruler.
  10. I just lost my crown.  I have bad teeth, like the British.
  11. Just like my liver.
  12. Socialism is free.  Socialism is freedom. The Declaration didn’t go far enough.  It should have called for a redistribution of wealth
  13. As previously stated, all power resides with President Obama.  
  14. We should declare war on Israel.  The sooner that racist and apartheid terrorist state is wiped out the better off the world will be.
  15. Survivor is my favorite game show.
  16. As long as this commerce is severely regulated by the government.
  17. Is Jefferson referring to bras?  Probably.  Jefferson was a member of the patriarchy. Burn your bras!  Let our breasts bounce around and our nipples poke out.  That’ll show the man!
  18. Buddha or Allah.  Take your pick. As long as it’s not that racist white man, Jesus.
  19. Unlike Republicans who made their money in dirty commerce, we Democrats earned our money through speaking fees.
  20. Probably a reference to abortion, which as you know is sacred to Democrats.
  21. True honor consists in doing the will of President Obama.  Unless this is a reference to Honor Blackman, who was the most empowered Bond girl.

This concludes my series on the Declaration of Independence.  I hope I have made this difficult, old and obscure document easier to understand for my readers.