The stuff I suggest is different that the stuff other people suggest

It is an American tradition: the President of the United States gives the speech to the graduating class at the United States Military Academy at West Point.  In keeping with Manhattan Infidel’s mission statement of avoiding another embarrassing morals charge providing my readers with the latest news I now present the transcript of President Obama’s speech.

I’d like to acknowledge the Army’s leadership — General McHugh — Secretary McHugh, General Odierno, as well as Senator Jack Reed who is here and a proud graduate of West Point himself.  They are all fine examples of white privilege.

Among you is the first all-female command team: Erin Mauldin and Austen Boroff.   How those two ever made it through four years here without being raped is beyond me.  Because we all know the military has a culture of rape.  

I know you join me in extending a word of thanks to your families.  Though we must admit that the family is another manifestation of white privilege.

When I first spoke at West Point in 2009, we still had more than 100,000 troops in Iraq. We were preparing to surge in Afghanistan. And our nation was just beginning a long climb out of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.

Four and a half years later, as you graduate, the landscape has changed. I’ve been on the View.  I’ve been on Jay Leno.  I’ve been on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And that stuff is important.  Now if only Republicans would raise the minimum wage we might get out of this recession.

Those who suggest that America is in decline or has seen its global leadership slip away are either watching Fox News or engaged in partisan politics, like the Republicans who refuse to raise the minimum wage or extend early voting so Mexicans can have more time to vote Democratic.

When a typhoon hits the Philippines, or schoolgirls are kidnapped in Nigeria, or masked men occupy a building in Ukraine, it is America that the world looks to for help.  And we hashtagged the enemy.  

Boko Harum is the enemy.  Hashtag into them. Hashtag their blood. Hashtag them in the belly.  I want you to hashtag the enemy like crap through a goose.

Russia’s aggression towards former Soviet states unnerves capitals in Europe while China’s economic rise and military reach worries its neighbors.  They look to America for leadership.  And when I’m not on the golf course I use my soaring rhetoric to shame the Russians and Chinese.

The question we face, the question each of you will face, is not whether America will lead but how far behind can we lead.

I believe we have a real stake — abiding self-interest — in making sure our children and our grandchildren grow up in a world where schoolgirls are not kidnapped; female genitally mutilated yes, because that is a noble tradition in my home of Kenya. I mean Hawaii.  A world where individuals aren’t slaughtered because of tribe or faith or political belief.  Unless they are conservatives.  Or Catholics opposing the contraception mandate in the Affordable Healthcare Act.

I believe that a world of greater freedom and tolerance is a moral imperative; We are all free to believe as the government tells us to.

U.S. military action cannot be the only — or even primary — component of our leadership.  I believe in the power of the hashtag.

First, let me repeat a principle I put forward at the outset of my presidency: The United States will use military force, unilaterally if necessary, when our core interests demand it — when our people are threatened; when our livelihoods are at stake; when the security of our allies is in danger.  Just like I did in Syria.  I mean Benghazi.  I mean, um.  Next point.

International opinion matters, but America should never ask permission to protect our people, our homeland or our way of life. And by not asking permission I mean getting permission from the United Nations.

On the other hand, when issues of global concern do not pose a direct threat to the United States, when such issues are at stake, when crises arise that stir our conscience or push the world in a more dangerous direction but do not directly threaten us, then I will intervene if I think it’ll help me in the polls.

This leads to my second point. For the foreseeable future, the most direct threat to America, at home and abroad, remains terrorism.  And by terrorism I mean the Tea Party and the second amendment.

We need partners to fight the tea party among us. And empowering the DEA and EPA is a large part of what we have done and what we are currently doing.

Let me make one final point about our efforts against the tea party. The partnerships I’ve described do not eliminate the need to take direct action when necessary to protect ourselves.  And that is why I have authorized the IRS to audit tea party members.

When we have actionable intelligence, we act through drone strikes, like those we’ve carried out in Kansas and Texas.  I mean Yemen and Somalia.

Despite frequent warnings from the United States and Israel and others, the Iranian nuclear program steadily advanced for years. Thank god Islam is the religion of peace or I’d be really worried.

Keep in mind, not all international norms relate directly to armed conflict. We have a serious problem with cyberattacks, which is why the home page on my computer was changed to Naked Pakistani Men.  I swear I don’t look at that stuff.

I believe in American exceptionalism with every fiber of my being. Except for the fibers of my being from Kenya.

We should not expect change to happen overnight.  For my entire presidency each night I go to the Atlantic Ocean and check to see if the sea level has receded.  It hasn’t. I blame the Koch brothers.

 Next week I will go to Normandy to apologize for the Americans who stormed the beaches there.  We acted unilaterally and without German support.

 We have faced trials that were not foreseen and we’ve seen divisions about how to move forward. But after the Tea Party is eliminated we won’t have divisions.

May God bless you. May God bless our men and women in uniform. And may God bless Kenya.  I mean the United States.

Wow.  I think President Obama has outdone himself with his rhetorical skills.  We can all learn a thing or two from this great man.

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