Brave, Progressive Minneapolis Renames Columbus Day “Indigenous Peoples Day”

Columbus Day celebrates White Privilege and as such is an invalid holiday.

Columbus Day celebrates White Privilege and as such is an invalid holiday.

Braving the ridicule it knew it was going to get from the unprogressive, the white privileged, the white Hispanic murderers of black men, the abled and others too despicable to mention, the Minneapolis City Council voted unanimously to change Columbus Day to “Indigenous Peoples Day.”

The official resolution read in part:

The city of Minneapolis recognizes the annexation of the Dakota homelands to build our city and knows that indigenous peoples have lived on this land since time immemorial.*

Betsy Hodges, the mayor of Minneapolis praised the City Council and pledged that this is just the first step.

Look at our holidays.  Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving.  What do they have in common?  I mean besides we all get days off? They celebrate our racist history.  A history that came at the expense of the non-enabled, the non-breeders and the non-patriarchal.  Easter will be renamed “Spring Solstice Day” to highlight the important contributions Wiccans have made to our history.  Christmas and Thanksgiving are just too disgusting for me.  Even if we rename them their racist past shines through so the City of Minneapolis will just not celebrate or indeed even mention those days, racist and despicable as they are.

Also on the chopping block will be Valentines Day, St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve.

Valentines Day traditionally has been used to promote rape by the patriarchy and promote a certain brand of so-called physical beauty in the oppressed and man-raped womyn.  St. Patrick was a white male of northern European origin who, while there is at the moment no historical evidence that he owned black slaves I feel confident in saying that he did.  I’m sure that he did.  New Year’s Eve is a time for the white male patriarchy to celebrate another year of keeping the Vagina’d, the peoples of color and the vagina’d of color down.  These three days will be abolished. It makes me feel good about myself to do this.

Mayor Hodges has also started the hash tag #We support indigenous races and will have all city offices put banners up to that effect.

When asked if she will be giving the land that Minneapolis sits on back to the indigenous peoples she replied in the negative.

No of course not.  Don’t be silly.  This is our city and the indigenous peoples are welcome to parade through our streets in their colorful indigenous costumes but giving the land back?  The lawyers for the city inform me that won’t be necessary to show solidarity.  Besides, all the native Americans are dead I think.

The Mayor said that the city might consider giving Columbus day its name back if certain conditions were met.

If it is proven that Columbus was a transsexual, or at least a homosexual, this would go a long way towards helping our city heal the wounds of 500 years of oppression.

There is no word yet if Steuben Day will be able to keep its name.

* According to liberal blogger Ezra Klein “time immemorial” is officially 100 years ago. Give or take a decade.


1 Comment

One Response

  1. The mayor is right. This is only the first step. America rightly belongs to the indiginous peoples. Since the indiginous people all came from Mongolia, America rightfully belongs to Mongolia. This is scary. I’m too old to learn another language.

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