The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part XVIII)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

When Barack had said these things, he went forth with his disciples in the MSM to an expensive restaurant in Georgetown, where there was a garden.

And Valerie Jarrett also, who betrayed him, knew the place; because Barack often resorted thither together with his disciples in the MSM.

Valerie therefore having received a band of Republican racists paid for with Koch brothers money, cometh thither with lanterns and torches but no flashlights since they cause global warming, and weapons but no guns since guns are bad.

Barack therefore, knowing that all things are about him, went forth, and said to them:  Whom seek ye?

They answered him:  Barry of Hawaii.  I mean Barack of Chicago.

As soon therefore as he had said to them:  I am he; they went backward and fell to the ground in awe of the man who lowers sea levels.

Again therefore he asked them:  Whom seek ye?  And they said, Barack the Constitutional scholar.

Barack answered, I have told you that I am he.  Can I not finish my waffle?

Then Joe Biden, having a shotgun, because shotguns are not bad like assault rifles, did fire upon the assistant of one of the Koch brothers, and cut off his right ear.

Barack therefore said to Joe Biden:  Put up thy shotgun.  The chalice which my father whom I met only once or twice, shall I not drink of it?  Assuming it is sugar free and not 32 ounces?

Then the band, and the tribune, and the servants of the Koch brothers, took Barack and bound him: And they led him away to John Boehner.

And Joe Biden followed Barack, and so did another disciple in the MSM.  And that disciple was known to Boehner and went in with Barack.  But Joe Biden stood at the door without.

A security guard saith to Joe Biden:  Art not thou also one of this man’s disciples? He saith: Hey, I just work here.

Now the servants stood at a fire of coals, because they were Republicans and did not care about the environment.  And with them was Joe Biden also, standing, and warming himself though inwardly he was conflicted over using coal.

Boehner therefore asked Barack of his disciples in the MSM and of his doctrine.

Barack answered him:  I have spoken openly to the world because we are the people we have been waiting for.  In secret I have spoken nothing.  What?  Why is everyone laughing? This is the most transparent administration in history.

And when he had said these things, one of the servants of John Boehner gave Barack a blow for Barack is our first gay president.

And Joe Biden was standing, and warming himself and his hair plugs.  They therefore said to him:  Art not thou also one of his disciples?  He denied it, and said:  I am not.

And one of the servants of Boehner saith to him;  Did I not see thee in the garden with him? Again therefore Joe Biden denied; and immediately the cock crew.  It was a happy and free range cock.

Then they led Barack from Boehner to the presumptive 2016 Republican nominee Jeb Bush.

Bush said:  What accusation bring you against this man?

They answered:  If he were not a believer in big government and insupportable debt we would not have delivered him up to thee, though you believe in the same things.

Jeb Bush therefore said to them:  Take him you, and judge him according to your law.  They said:  Our cocktail of intravenous drugs to cause execution are notoriously ineffective.

Jeb Bush therefore went into the hall again, and called Barack, and said to him:  Art thou the King of America?

Barack answered:  I am the person I have been waiting for.

Jeb Bush said:  What hast thou done that I won’t do once I’m elected President?

Barack answered:  My kingdom is not of our flawed and racist Constitution.  If it were I would ensure that the law is enforced.  Hello? Obamacare anyone? And he chuckled.

For this was I born, and for this I came into the world; that I should give testimony to redistribution.

Bush said:  What is redistribution?  And when he had said this, he went out again to the teabaggers and saith to them:  I find no cause in him.

But you have a custom that I should release one unto you:  will you therefore, that I release unto you the King of redistribution?

Then cried they all again, saying:  Not this man, but Donald Sterling.

Now Donald Sterling was a racist, just like all the teabaggers.

(To be continued)


5 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Was it a gluten free waffle the messiah was consuming with such relish. Well, not relish relish but as the late JFK would say, With vigor and vitality.

  2. Hey! Does this gospel have a book of revelations? Inquiring minds want to know.

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