You shall obey puny humans!

In a ground-breaking and historic decision, the Environmental Protection Agency today declared the Atlantic Ocean a “protected wetland.”

“This is a great day for the EPA” said its administrator, Gina McCarthy.

This is why President Nixon founded the Environmental Protection Agency:  To protect and defend Mother Earth.  Under our new regulations the Atlantic will be pure, pristine, unaffected by opportunistic parasitical organisms such as mankind.

Effective immediately the Atlantic Ocean will be off limits to all human activity.  Humans who are seen interfering in any way with the Atlantic will lose all water drinking privileges for six months.

All water borne traffic will be denied egress to the Atlantic.  This means that all ships of any nation, from the U.S. Navy to cruise lines to cargo ships will not be allowed on the Atlantic.

After completing our  highly scientific study, we at the EPA also became concerned about the level of biological waste in the ocean.  It seems that fish have nowhere to go to relieve themselves and so have to do it in the ocean itself.  This is unacceptable and unscientific.

The EPA will be placing “Fish Comfort Devices”, aka, portable urinals, at five thousand feet of depth every ten miles.  It is expected that the fish will take advantage of the new comfort stations, which will be automated and self-cleaning, to deliver their waste material, thereby dramatically improving the quality of water in the Atlantic.

We also are very concerned as to the diet of the fish in the ocean.  We have found that this diet is heavy in fish. This may lead to health problems for the inhabitants of the Atlantic.  We at the EPA are willing to work with the fish.  We have already sent several regulators, health administrators really, into the Atlantic as part of our “Sleeps with the Fishes” program.  They will work with the fish to diversify their diets.

Fish who do not diversity their diet or found to be in poor health will be encouraged to visit special “Fish Panels” set up by the EPA.  These panels will have the power to make recommendations as to the future well being of non-compliant fish.

Naturally we want all fish to live long happy lives.  But some may have to be sacrificed.  It’s for the good of the planet.  It’s for our children.

Despite the almost universal good will the regulations are expected to generate there has been opposition, mainly from the Navy. Administrator McCarthy expressed surprise at this.

None of what we are proposing will prevent the Navy from doing whatever the Navy does  Why do they need ships to be in the Atlantic anyway? I just don’t understand why our Navy doesn’t care about the environment.

Despite opposition from the Navy the EPA expects to easily enact its regulations.

“We are the regulatory arm of the United States Government” said McCarthy.  “The Constitution gives us the power to do what we want.”

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