The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part XVI)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

These things I have spoken to you, that you may not be scandalized.  But really, what are the chances of a scandal happening with my disciples in the MSM to protect me.

Yea, the hour cometh, that whosoever killeth you, will probably be a right-wing gun owner.  The nuts!

And these things will they do to you; because like me they have not known the father.  I mean I met him a few times.  Seemed like a nice guy.  He always had to head back to Africa.  To be with his other five wives he told me.

But because I have spoken these things to you, sorrow hath filled your heart.  A sorrow deeper than when you were forced to fly coach instead of first class, which befits elite such as yourself.

But I tell you the truth (for a Democrat cannot lie): it is expedient to you that I go:  for if I go not, I cannot get that show on MSNBC; but if I go, I get the show and will have you as my guests.

And when I have that show on MSNBC, I will convince the world of the sin of the Republicans, and of the justice of redistribution, and of the judgement of history upon the Red States.

Of sin: because they used 100-watt light bulbs that lead to global warming. 

And of justice:  because I’ll be on TV which means I am right.

And of judgement:  because they are stupid.

I have yet many things to say to you:  But you cannot bear them now.  I’m still writing the speech.  Did I mention I am a better speech writer than my speech writers?

A little while, and now you shall not see me; and again a little while, and you shall see me. Because MSNBC is part of every basic bundled cable package.

Then some of his disciples in the MSM said to one another: What is this that he saith, a little while? We know not what he speaketh.  Is his show on MSNBC being put on hiatus?

And Barack knew that they had a mind to ask him: and he said to them:  Of this do you inquire among yourselves, because I said:  a little while, and you shall not see me?  Amen, amen I say to you, that you shall lament and weep when my show on MSNBC is put on hiatus, but the world shall rejoice because I will then get my own podcast.

His disciples in the MSM say to him:  Behold, now thou speakest plainly so Joe Biden will understand you.

Now we know that thou knowest all things, and thou needest not that any man should ask thee. By this we believe that thou camest forth for redistribution.

Barack answered them: Do you now believe?  Behold the hour cometh, and it is now come, that you shall be scattered every man to his own private home for you are elite and own your own homes, and shall leave me alone; and yet I am not alone, because Michelle is with me.  Always with me.  Always.  Thanks guys.

These things I have spoken to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you shall have distress once the midterm elections go against us: but have confidence, I have overcome the Republicans and will have Attorney General Holder audit their asses.

(To be continued)


4 Responses

  1. “I have yet many things to say to you: But you cannot bear them now. ”

    So what else is new. I haven’t been able to bear them for the last five years.

  2. Some say the new-found Gospel of Barack is a C20th Marxist forgery. Whatever, haters.

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