Manhattan Infidel Investigates Brazen Corruption in New York State Politics (A Redundancy I Know)

Trust the will of the people?  Nonsense.  I'm buying the nomination.

Trust the will of the people? Nonsense. I’m buying the nomination.

From the moment the news first hit that New York State Democratic Senator Malcolm Smith had been arrested and charged with attempting to bribe himself onto the Republican ballot for mayor of New York (confused already?) in 2013, I, the Manhattan Infidel, was all over the story. No stone would remain unturned. No expense spared to bring you, my readers, the truth.

But then I realized that that would require me to put on some pants and leave my bedroom so I decided to just buy the morning papers.  But that would also require me to put on pants.  So I decided to just read about it on the internet.  I would not have to put on pants.  In fact, since my webcam would be running the entire time, pants would be a handicap.  (My webcam is only $4.95 a minute.  PayPal accepted.)

The facts are these:

  1. Democratic State Senator Malcolm Smith wants to be mayor of New York.
  2. He (allegedly) paid two Republican officials upwards of $40,000 in bribes to get onto the Republican ballot for mayor.
  3. Only 40,000?  That’s a rather chintzy amount.  I mean, what is this?  Corvallis, Oregon?  This is New York.  Six figures baby or go home.
  4. What is this bourgeois prejudice against grown men who do not like to wear pants?  (They are constricting!)
  5. Four dollars and ninety five cents a minute is pretty reasonable don’t you think?  I mean, what else are you going to do?  Look at a webcam featuring beautiful young women?
  6. If you visit my webcam ($4.95 a minute) I promise I will not send cookies or tracking software to your computer.  And you definitely will not end up on a mailing list. So don’t worry about your wife opening up the mail and finding a subscription to “Naked Sumo Wrestlers of Japan.”

Onto the investigation:

On November 18th, less than three weeks after Hurricane Sandy devastated his district, Smith met with what he thought was a rich real estate developer (actually an undercover FBI agent) to arrange the backing of the Queens and Bronx Republican machines in exchange for cash.  The meeting was caught on tape:

Smith: Does $40,000 sound okay?

FBI agent: I suppose it’s a start.  But it’s rather a low figure.  I mean, what is this?  Corvallis, Oregon?

Smith:  I could up it to $75,000 if I was sure the deal would go through and I would be on the ballot?  Money greases the wheels.

FBI Agent: Yeah we can do that.  Just one thing: You’re not a teabagger or carrying any so-called assault weapons on you? Because that’s just wrong.

Smith: No.  Just plenty of pot.

FBI Agent: Good.  Oh, and have you visited my webcam? It’s only four dollars a minute.

Note:  Manhattan Infidel is not endorsing the undercover FBI agent’s webcam.  But he is annoyed that his webcam is priced lower than mine.  Now I have to lower my prices too!  And gel and plugs do not come cheaply!  How am I supposed to make a profit?

What was I talking about?  That’s right.  Corruption in New York State politics.  Well, whoop dee freakin doo.  This is New York.  The place that gave America Boss Tweed, Jimmy Walker, Carmine DeSapio, Mario Biaggi, Meade Esposito…..the list could go on but you get the idea.

I can’t get too worked up over the latest round of corruption.

I am worked up over the fact that if the internet goes down I have to put on pants and go outside.  That and the FBI agent’s webcam is less expensive than mine.  (How does he make a profit?  I’ll have to ask him.)

Oh, and please visit my webcam.  It’s only $4.95 $3.95 a minute.



1 Comment

One Response

  1. So, what are you afraid of? Go outside without your pants and you’ll end up with three hot meals a day for free and roomates that will appricate you.

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