Dora The Explorer Goes Missing

Dora the Explorer before she went missing

Dora the Explorer before she went missing

Famed Nickelodeon personality Dora the Explorer has gone missing in Central American and has not been heard from in over a week, prompting a full scale search and rescue effort funded by Nickelodeon and The U.S. State Department.

“I don’t know where she is” lamented Dora’s mother.  “I just want my daughter back.  Okay, I just want her paycheck back.  Does that make me a bad person?”

Dora was last seen in the jungles of El Salvador where she had gone on her latest exploration.

“She might have inadvertently gotten herself into trouble” said a spokesman for Nickelodeon.

Dora’s knowledge of Spanish was, shall we say, faulty.  I know people thought she spoke fluent Spanish but that was just lines she was reading for our show.  In fact we often had to counsel her not to go out alone just because she didn’t know the language, like the time she walked into a store in Guatemala and asked for a Banana Sundae and ended up being sold into slavery.  It cost us an arm and a leg to buy her back.  Stupid kid.  Like I said, she didn’t know the language.

Problems might also have arisen because of Dora’s traveling companions, an anthropomorphic talking monkey and her talking purple backpack.

She told me she was going to Central America to explore.  Alone.  Without the crew from the show.  I told her that wasn’t a good idea. “Look” I said, “These are superstitious people.  If you start walking around with your monkey and your freaking talking backpack something bad is going to happen.  Something really bad.”  But she didn’t listen to me. The kid was very stubborn.  Well, spoiled actually.

Since Dora’s disappearance Nickelodeon has been taking heat for not hiring an actual Spanish speaking explorer, instead of hiring an Anglo kid named Julie Brown and calling her “Dora.”

Nickelodeon defends itself.

Look, the character of Dora is supposed to be Pan-Latina.  It represents the beauty and diversity of Latina culture.  That doesn’t mean we wanted to hire a real Latina to play the character.  Hispanics are too hot blooded and temperamental.  Besides, if we hired someone Spanish the next thing you’d know they want stock options or worse want to have lunch with us. We’re all for diversity.  Within limits.

In the meantime the search for Dora has hit a snag.

We ran into a local who kept shouting, “Hemos matado a la bruja y su mono que habla!”  Now my Spanish is faulty but I think he was saying that they killed the witch and her talking monkey.  Or he wanted a Banana Sundae.

If the actress who plays Dora is not found within the week Nickelodeon plans to cut its losses and recast the part.


5 Responses

  1. What’s there to worry about? Talking monkies are common down here. Most of them are in politics. Dora is going to be just fine. She is probably just buyig nickle bags of lodeon. That’s where her real money comes from.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      All I know is that if Dora isn’t found soon President Obama has threatened to send some Drones.

  2. innominatus says:

    Whatever the ransom is, I’ll match it – if they keep her. I can’t stand that little snot. And it is the 21st century… when is she going to get a smartphone with GPS instead of that stupid map?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Inn: Dora is old school. No GPS for her. Only her trusty map and genetically altered monkey.

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