Yankees Lose on Old Timers, I mean Opening Day

“Nothing. How about some practice?”  ~ First-base coach Stump Merrill-His wife, Carole, had asked him what a first-base coach did other than “pat guys on the rear end.

Yankees and Red Sox are introduced on opening day

Yankees and Red Sox are introduced on opening day

The day after celebrating Easter it was time to celebrate the beginning of the 2013 Major League Baseball season.  And in keeping with the theme of resurrection the 2013 Yankees are old enough to have witnesses the crucifixion personally.

How old are the Yankees?  Yogi Berra, Don Larson, Ron Guidry and Sparky Lyle were in attendance. Confused after having looked at the current Yankees and believing it was old timers day they put on their uniforms.  Even stranger, they were allowed to play as no one could tell the difference.

The Yankee started CC “Not really the Yankees ace” Sabathia (0-1 7.20) while the Red Sox countered with John Lester (1-0 3.60).

The Red Sox got on the board first in the top of the second scoring four runs (which would be all they need.)  Jose “To all the groupies I’ve loved before” Iglesias singled home Jarrad Saltalamacchia.  Shane Victorino then singled home Iglesias and Jackie Bradley.  Dustin Pedroia then singled home Jacob Ellsbury.  4-0 Red Sox after two.

In the bottom of the fourth Kevin Youkilis in his first game as a Yankee led off with a double.  Vernon Wells then walked and Ichiro Suzuki singled, loading the bases.  After a strikeout by Jason Nix my second favorite Venezuelan Francisco Cervelli (my favorite Venezuelan being Jim from Asylum Watch) singled home Youkilis and Wells.  But alas the Yankees were not able to score any more runs that inning.  4-2 Red Sox after four.

The Sox scored another run in the top of the seventh.  After walks to Will Middlebrooks and Jarrod Saltalamacchia to open the inning they advanced to second and third on a Jonny Gomes fielder’s choice. Jackie Bradley then grounded out to the pitcher scoring Middlebrooks.  5-2 Red Sox after seven.

The Red Sox completed their damage in the top of the ninth scoring three more runs of Joba Chamberlain who stunk up the joint.  I blame his mustache.  And he’s an Indian. You just can’t trust those bloodthirsty savages.

And so the final score on opening day was 8-2 Red Sox.

Notes on the game:

The Yankees and the Red Sox wore special badges on their uniforms honoring the victims of the Newton school shooting.  Apparently not content to politicize every other aspect of life we now must put up with propaganda at baseball games.

In keeping with the desire to disarm America for the State, the Yankees have announced that their players will be limited to four armed guards per player.  Except for Joba Chamberlain who will be allowed ten armed guards.  Because he’s a bloodthirsty, scalping savage.

Former Yankee Lou Pinella, known for his volcanic temper, threw out the first pitch.  He then got into an argument with the umpires and was ejected.

Former ESPN, former Fox Sports, Former MSNBC, former Current TV anchor Keith Olbermann was at the game.  Well, he does have time on his hands now.

So the opening day lineup had Jason Nix at third, Eduardo Nunez at short, Kevin Youkilis at first and Brett Gardner playing Center field with Vernon Wells in left.

No Derek Jeter.  No Curtis Granderson.  No Mark Teixeira.  No Alex Rodriguez.

And the absence of Granderson will hurt the Yankees.  Who will strike out for us?

So how are the Yankees going to do this year?

This year will be longer and more painful than sitting through “The Hobbit.”

Here is the starting lineup for the Yankees being introduced before the game (well 55 seconds worth anyway.)

[cvg-video videoId=’1′ width=’400′ height=’400′ mode=’playlist’ /]

Recommended reading material:

The Age of Federalism by Stanley Elkins and Eric McKitrick.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “I don’t know whether it’s the fish venom or the paramedic’s urine but I feel fantastic!’ didn’t fire up the crowd.

Reader mail:

James Madison of Virginia writes, “And that the said Constitution be never construed to authorize Congress to infringe the just liberty of the press, or the rights of conscience; or to prevent the people of the United States, who are peaceable citizens, from keeping their own arms.”

Obviously Jimmy is a tea bagger clinging to guns and religion.

So my record this year stands at 0-1.  My next game is Sunday April 14th against the favorite to win the division the Baltimore Orioles.

Go Yankees!








4 Responses

  1. Hope you and the Yanks have a great season…. or at least a lot of booze.

  2. innominatus says:

    Your Yanks and my G-men are a combined 0-2. Sigh.

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