Ye Old New York Times. All the news that’s fit for socialism

Dateline, Jerusalem.  33 A.D. Ye Olde New Yorke Times

An itinerant preacher by the name of Jesus abandoned all efforts to raise the standard of living of Judea’s poor by going back to his father.

Jesus was subject to the death penalty over the weekend for repeatedly calling for those in the Roman occupation to provide jobs and training for the oppressed Palestinians.

We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times have been following Jesus’ career closely from the first moment he burst onto the scene. allying himself with fellow socialist John the baptist and calling for public works projects, “Prepare the way of the Lord.  Make straight his paths.”

From the beginning we supported him and felt that he could possibly be the “one” who could help Judea overthrow their oppressors.  For we at Ye Olde New Yorke Times have always been sensitive to the plight of the poor.

We were drawn particularly to his message of redistribution of wealth, “Blessed are the meek.  They shall possess the land” and higher taxes for the wealthy, “Give to Caesar that which is Caesar’s”

His message of social justice “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst, for they shall have their fill” we felt could have inspired the Roman government to open soup kitchens and youth clubs in the inner city.

Jesus was also concerned about the devastation that global warming was causing our globe and his call for an “Earth hour” where everyone goes dark was truly revolutionary, “Neither do men light a candle….”

Jesus was concerned over the increase in so-called “superstorms” caused by the aforementioned global warming, “”And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and they beat upon that house.”

Debt forgiveness in third world nations such as Judea is a cause we at Ye Olde New Yorke Times support and we were encouraged by Jesus’ plea for capitalists to forgive those who owe them money, “And forgive us our debts.”

Like we at Ye Olde New Yorke Times Jesus was opposed to the death penalty, “Thou shalt not kill.”  Though he did not specifically mention the high number of Jewish youth currently languishing on death row in Roman prisons we are confident that he would agree with us that poverty in Judea causes crime.

Jesus also supported the prior claims of the state over the family, “No man can serve two masters.”  This we support.  A true socialist state will never come into being if we allow the nuclear family to preach values contrary to the state.

He supported a healthy diet, “By their fruits you shall know them.”  We feel that a return to such a healthy diet will end the epidemic of obesity in the Roman Empire.

For all the above reasons and more we felt that Jesus could have become an important political voice for the progressive cause.

Instead he chose to abandon his followers, or as he said, “My kingdom is not of this world.”

While disappointed in the turn of events we here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times will not abandon the progressive cause.

Perhaps Barabbas can now take up a leadership position in the movement?

Ye Editorial Board of Ye Olde New Yorke Times

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