Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz, owners of the New York Mets, have announced plans to open a casino next to Citi Field.
“Hey, we’re the Mets” said Wilpon. “We’re broke. No one comes to our games. We need the money. I’m just being honest here.”
The Southampton-based Shinnecock Indian Nation has signed on to operate the casino. Said the Chairman of the Board of Trustees of the Shinnecock Indian Nation, Randy King:
Yeah, we’re really Indians. Honest. Why would I lie? Just because casinos are illegal in New York outside tribal areas doesn’t mean this is a scam. I’m very proud of my Shinnecock heritage. Everybody loves the Shinnecocks. Just the other day I was in a bar in Manhattan having what you white people call “fire water” when I stood up and shouted, “Who loves the Cock!” The bartender asked me to leave but I got several phone numbers.
The plan to open a casino next to Citi Field could possibly be opposed by Major League Baseball, which has had a strict ban on gambling since the Black Sox scandal. However, Commissioner Bud Selig is open to the idea.
Look, I have bigger problems. It turns out everyone in baseball, everyone, even the bat boys are doping. Every statistic for the past 20 years is a joke. So what the hell do I care about some stupid casino run by some fake Indians. Hell, I’m old. I’ll be dead soon. Just give me a hooker and some booze and leave me the hell alone. In fact, give me some human growth cream. I’m gonna have the hooker rub it on my penis.
If the casino is approved by baseball and the State of New York, Mr. Met (pictured here) has been slated to run it.
The one problem may be Mr. Met’s known underworld associations. When asked why Mr. Met will be running the casino, Wilpon replied,
I’m scared of the guy, frankly. When I couldn’t give him a raise last year he broke my daughter’s legs. Then he threatened me. When I couldn’t come up with more money for him he sent me a fish wrapped in newspaper. That’s an old Sicilian greeting by the way. It means I’ll be sleeping with the fishes. The man’s a psycho.
Mr. Met denies all mob ties.
I’m just an employee of the New York Mets. I don’t know nothing about no mob ties. I got no mob ties. I get all my ties at Bloomindales. Yeah, that’s a joke punk. Now why don’t you behave yourself?
If approved the casino will be open in time for the 2015 season.
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I don’t get it. Wouldn’t a bordello next to Citi Field bring in more money?
Jim: America’s Mayor Mike Bloomberg banned all bordellos in city limits. Apparently the disposed condoms were bad for the environment.
Elizabeth Warren just became a baseball fan!
Inn: As the United State’s first native American Senator ms. Warren appreciates baseball. She and the other squaws used to look at box scores while picking corn – they call it “maize.”