Obama Makes State of the Union Address

 President Obama addresses the inferior congress

Always the charismatic leader, President Obama (pictured above) addressed congress yesterday for his fourth State of the Union address.

The festivities started hours earlier as a crowd of Democrats waited on line for good seats.

“I haven’t waited on line like this since I was doing acid at Grateful Dead shows” said New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand.

Shortly after 9 pm President Obama strolled into the House to great applause by a clearly bowed and intimidated Congress.

After the last congressman had finished applauding (the offending congressman was later placed under arrest) Obama began his great speech.  Quickly warming up to his theme that everyone who opposes him is racist, the President made the following points during his speech:

  •  Reducing the deficit

“Nothing I propose” said the President “will increase our deficit by a cent.  Trillions yes.  But if the deficit goes up we can always tax people more.”

  • The size of our government

“It is not a bigger government we need” Obama declared to great applause.  “But it’s what I’m going to give it to you anyway.  Bigger and more intrusive government is the only nonracist government there is.”

  • Reverence for the Constitution

“I too value that document, which is why I will bypass congress whenever possible by issuing executive orders.”

  • The renewed manufacturing sector of the economy

“Apple will once again make Macintosh computers in America. Granted, South America but that’s closer than China, right?”

  • The progress of science

“Let’s map the human genome.  That’s in Alaska, right? Well, map it.”

  • Energy savings

“My administration has more than doubled how far our cars can go.  Mainly with tow trucks.”

  • Climate change

“I said I would lower sea levels and I did.  So turn up those air conditioners!”

  • Jobs

“Let’s equip our citizens with skills and training.  But not guns.”

  • Social issues

“Let’s encourage fatherhood by going to more NBA games.  Look to these NBA players. Many of them are fathers. Of many children.  By different mothers.  Oh sure they don’t live with them but they are fathers.”

  • Our military

“We do not have to occupy foreign countries.  The only place we should be occupying is Wall Street.”

  • Cyborg security

“We must strengthen cyborg security.  If you are listening to this you are part of the resistance.”

  • Gun violence

“Look up in the gallery.  We have the parents of a victim of gun violence.  In Chicago.  No wait.  How did that get into my speech?  Anyway, the children of Newton deserve to be exploited some more!”

At the mention of the children of Newton Senators and Congressman in both parties stood up and applauded.

“If it’s one thing politicians understand it’s the power of exploiting people” said a commentator.

And just like that the speech was over.  Everyone in the House Chamber broke out their lighters and held them up over their heads.

It was America at its finest.

Note:  Manhattan Infidel will now spend the next three weeks drunk in an effort to forget everything he saw.



2 Responses

  1. Your going to need something stronger than booze to forget that nightmare.

  2. Dude, after I beat my head against a brick wall for ten minutes, I forgot the entire speech.

    Also, what is this “Obama” you speak of?

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