With the stunning news that Pope Benedict will resign effective February 28th I have decided to do what the MSM does best:  spare no time or effort to track down the facts speculate and make stuff up.

Fact no. 1.

Pope Benedict is an old white man.  Could he have resigned because of his hatred toward Hispanics?  According to my source in my Vatican for the last time you have a wrong number.  This is a laundromat in Canoga Park, California  Pope Benedict on many occasions has mentioned his distaste for Hispanics.  I will give my readers just one example.  During his last address to the public before his resignation Pope Benedict talked about the importance of penitential acts:

“During Lent it is important that we all fast and pray that the scourge of Hispanics will be taken away from us.”

Note:  Because of my busy schedule hookers I have not had time to verify this quote.  But I feel it is accurate.

Fact no. 2.

Pope Benedict is an old white man.  Wait, I already mentioned that.

Fact no. 3.

Could Pope Benedict’s resignation lead to more global warming?  As an old white man (see facts no. 1 and 2) Pope Benedict can obviously be up to no good.  Perhaps the Pope (and again my contact in the Vatican No I didn’t put starch in your shirts. Stop calling! has confirmed this) is filled with hatred for Mother Gaia.  Perhaps he wants to spend his retirement driving gas-guzzling SUVs, leading to the rise of ocean levels and the drowning of polar bears.  If this is so, if you live on the east coast of the United States I’d seek shelter inland and pray that President Obama can lower the sea levels in time.

Fact no. 4.

As an old white man living in Italy is it possible that Pope Benedict had to go into hiding because of the Barzini family?  I mean, Tattaglia was a pimp.  He could never have outfoxed Pope Benedict.  But I didn’t know until now that it was Barzini all along.

Fact no. 5.

Old white man.  I know, I know. But one cannot stress that Pope Benedict is an old white man enough.

Now let’s recount the facts as given to me by my source in the Vatican your shirts will be ready on Friday.

1. Pope Benedict is an old white man.
2. Old white men hate Hispanics.
3. Pope Benedict drives an SUV and wants polar bears to drown.
4. Barzini wants the old man to share the judges Pope Benedict has in his pocket. Benedict refused and has to go into  hiding.
5. Old white men are just plain evil.

And so, piecing together the facts I can confidently state for the record that Pope Benedict resigned because as an old white man he is distressed by the Hispanic horde.  He is also anti-science and opposes the settled science of global warming. Barzini wants him dead.  And he is just evil.

There you have it readers. This will all be in my new book, “Pope Benedict hates Hispanics and polar bears and is afraid of Barzini.”

Can this be the work that will finally get me that Pulitzer prize?

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