An Intimate Conversation with Tony Bennett

 We are Nazi Germany!

I had previously written about Tony Bennett (My Exclusive Interview with Tony Bennett) but the man is such a fascinating personality I had to have another, more intimate chat with him.  Mr. Bennett was kind enough to oblige me and we met for drinks and conversation.

MI:  Tony!  It’s good to see you again.

TB:   Manhattan Infidel, my beautiful soul brother.  You are a beautiful soul.

MI:  Why thank you.

TB:  With your six ears and four testicles.  That’s what makes you beautiful brother.

MI:  Um.  I don’t have six ears and four testicles.

TB:  Yes  you do brother.  I can see them clearly with my own ram a long a ding dong.

MI:  Your what?

TB:  Mm.  I love this wine.  Did you know that wine was invented by Jabba the Hut. 

MI:  No it wasn’t.

TB:  Yes it was.  He invented wine to help him win the 2012 New York City Marathon.

MI:  That’s patently untrue.

TB:  Hitler!

MI:  What?

TB:  Hitler loved jazz.  He was a jazz-loving lactose-intolerant brother.  He was a great singer too.  He used to serenade the troops on the eastern front with his lactose-intolerant brand of smooth jazz.  He was my soul brother and I loved that short mustache wearing Austrian like I love webbed feet.

MI:  I’m lost.

TB:  Manhattan Infidel do you know what caused World War II?  The Nazis were gun nuts. Everybody in Germany had a gun.  That’s why they had to be told off.  And if America continues being violent the rest of the world is going to take care of us in a really bad way.  Soon there will be no webbed feet in America!

MI:  Okay let’s talk about that.  You recently were quoted as saying that the rest of the world will “take care of America in a bad way.”  What did you mean by that?

TB:  I left my webbed feet on Rigal IV.  Did you know that the Romulans have webbed nostrils?  They are my beautiful web-nostrilled soul brothers.

MI:  I don’t even know where to begin with that.

TB:  Look, it’s my close friend Chris Rock.  Chris has a heart made out of fecal matter expelled from Andy Rooney.  And he’s beautiful.

CR:  Obama is my daddy!

TB:  He’s all our daddy’s.

CR:  I would kill a room filled with orphans and puppies if my daddy Obama told me to.

TB:  I hear you Chris.  My beautiful daddy Obama is putting me on a submarine and dropping me off in Scotland.  I’m going to track down Sheena Easton and blow her up with the radio controlled bomb in my molars.  As soon as I finish molting.

CR:  I’m invisible!

TB:  You are a beautiful invisible jazz-loving man my brother.

MI:  Okay.  I’m just going to sit over there.  Far away.  Far, far away.

TB:  But I haven’t introduced Chris to your four testicles.

CR:  Why does the white man have more testicles than me?   I bet they’re even webbed!

MI:  Taxi!

I had hoped for an intimate conversation with Mr. Bennett.  I should have realized that would be impossible since he is clearly insane.  Same with Chris Rock.

I just wonder how he knew about my four webbed testicles?


3 Responses

  1. Bennett and Rock would good additions to Obama’s circle of advisors. They know even less than tahn his other advisors. Obama could be sure they would never show him up.

  2. innominatus says:

    TB made more sense in this interview than he did the other day. At the rate he’s improving, within a few years he might actually be coherent!

    I think your filter ate yesterday’s comment because I put “wikipeddofile” [sic to get past the filter] in it. Bummer.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: they’d fit right in, sadly.

    Inn: A distinct possibility. I get lots of spam and certain words and phrases go into the black hole of banishment.)

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