I had previously written about Tony Bennett (My Exclusive Interview with Tony Bennett) but the man is such a fascinating personality I had to have another, more intimate chat with him.  Mr. Bennett was kind enough to oblige me and we met for drinks and conversation.

MI:  Tony!  It’s good to see you again.

TB:   Manhattan Infidel, my beautiful soul brother.  You are a beautiful soul.

MI:  Why thank you.

TB:  With your six ears and four testicles.  That’s what makes you beautiful brother.

MI:  Um.  I don’t have six ears and four testicles.

TB:  Yes  you do brother.  I can see them clearly with my own ram a long a ding dong.

MI:  Your what?

TB:  Mm.  I love this wine.  Did you know that wine was invented by Jabba the Hut. 

MI:  No it wasn’t.

TB:  Yes it was.  He invented wine to help him win the 2012 New York City Marathon.

MI:  That’s patently untrue.

TB:  Hitler!

MI:  What?

TB:  Hitler loved jazz.  He was a jazz-loving lactose-intolerant brother.  He was a great singer too.  He used to serenade the troops on the eastern front with his lactose-intolerant brand of smooth jazz.  He was my soul brother and I loved that short mustache wearing Austrian like I love webbed feet.

MI:  I’m lost.

TB:  Manhattan Infidel do you know what caused World War II?  The Nazis were gun nuts. Everybody in Germany had a gun.  That’s why they had to be told off.  And if America continues being violent the rest of the world is going to take care of us in a really bad way.  Soon there will be no webbed feet in America!

MI:  Okay let’s talk about that.  You recently were quoted as saying that the rest of the world will “take care of America in a bad way.”  What did you mean by that?

TB:  I left my webbed feet on Rigal IV.  Did you know that the Romulans have webbed nostrils?  They are my beautiful web-nostrilled soul brothers.

MI:  I don’t even know where to begin with that.

TB:  Look, it’s my close friend Chris Rock.  Chris has a heart made out of fecal matter expelled from Andy Rooney.  And he’s beautiful.

CR:  Obama is my daddy!

TB:  He’s all our daddy’s.

CR:  I would kill a room filled with orphans and puppies if my daddy Obama told me to.

TB:  I hear you Chris.  My beautiful daddy Obama is putting me on a submarine and dropping me off in Scotland.  I’m going to track down Sheena Easton and blow her up with the radio controlled bomb in my molars.  As soon as I finish molting.

CR:  I’m invisible!

TB:  You are a beautiful invisible jazz-loving man my brother.

MI:  Okay.  I’m just going to sit over there.  Far away.  Far, far away.

TB:  But I haven’t introduced Chris to your four testicles.

CR:  Why does the white man have more testicles than me?   I bet they’re even webbed!

MI:  Taxi!

I had hoped for an intimate conversation with Mr. Bennett.  I should have realized that would be impossible since he is clearly insane.  Same with Chris Rock.

I just wonder how he knew about my four webbed testicles?

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