Because I care about my loyal readers and want to see them happy I now present the official Manhattan Infidel Guide to First Date Etiquette. Just follow my advice.  Trust me.  You will never get a date, I mean, never have to go on a first date again.

1. Dress with finesse.  Think carefully about your wardrobe for a first date.  Whatever you do, do not wear a suit.  This says to the woman that you are a capitalist pig.  No woman wants to date a capitalist pig.  Do what I do.  I show up in sweat pants and a t-shirt that says, “Suck it.  Oh yeah, like that.”  Don’t be afraid to show off your whimsical side.  Make a point of drawing attention to your t-shirt during the meal.  Say something along the lines of “Listen to the t-shirt if you know what I mean honey.  Hey, I paid for your meal.  I expect it.”
2. Perfect the proper greeting.  When you greet your date at the abandoned street corner address you have given her have flowers in your hand.  Let her know that the flowers are not for her. “I have a date after this.  Just keeping my options open honey.”  Women will appreciate your honesty.  Make a point of mentioning her appearance.  Say something such as “Wow.  You look totally different than your photo.  I guess there is a reason you only photographed yourself from the neck up.  Is it a glandular issue?”
3. Charm her with your manners.  When you sit down at your table in the restaurant if your date attempts to order first, cut her off.  “Hey, what the hell are you doing?  I order first.  I’m the man. I’m more important!”  When leaving the restaurant there may be an awkward moment when you both stand in front of the doors.  She might be expecting you to open the door for her.  Do not. Instead say, “Don’t just stand there.  Open the f#*#%ing door!”  She will appreciate this as it shows that you are a take charge man and not some mamby-pamby mama’s boy.
4. Order with panache.  Ordering is more than the utility of requesting food. It is a way of opening up the conversation.  If the server returns while you are still looking at the menu say, “I’ve made up my mind but she’s still looking.  Yeah, I know.  Women!” Point out what you cannot eat.  “I”m lactose intolerant so no dairy products.  You don’t want me farting away when your down there, do you?”  She will appreciate your openness.
5. Bid her goodnight in grand style.  If the date was a flop a quick finish with a polite handshake, a brief hug or oral sex is expected.  Be simple:  “There are some bushes over there where we can do it.  You brought condoms, right?”  However never make false promises for the sake of propriety:  “I’ll call you again when I need it” is not good manners. Text her when you need it instead.  And remember, always drive her home.  Unless it’s out of your way. You’re a man and your time is valuable.  Leave her at a bus stop.  At night.  By an abandoned warehouse.

And there you have it readers.  Follow my advice and you’ll have women beating down your door.  Usually they will be armed but that’s just because they like you.

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