Burger King Negotiates as Rebels Advance; Throne in Jeopardy

The Burger KingKing Burger, divine right ruler of the land of BurgerKingdomia has entered into negotiations with rebels seeking to end the monarchy and establish a BurgerKingdomia republic.

The brutal guerrilla war that has raged in the kingdom the past three years has taken thousands of lives. The Burger King’s own hand-picked forces, dubbed “The Black and Tan Whoppers”   because of the color of their uniforms are notoriously unpopular in the kingdom because of their role in torturing captured enemy combatants from the Burger King Republican Brotherhood.

“They’ve yanked our fingernails off.  They’ve placed electrodes on our genitals.  They’ve served us burgers without the pickle.  Where’s the humanity” said one rebel fighter.

The two sides have fought to a standstill making negotiations necessary for a permanent solution to the problem of the future political makeup of the Kingdom of Burgerland.

Negotiations so far have stalled because of the Burger King Republican Brotherhood’s demand that King Burger resign and that the country become a republic, something the king has vowed will happen “only over my dead body.”

King Burger’s counter proposal would create the “Burger Free State” where he would continue to reign albeit as a constitutional monarch.  The rebels would set up their own government but would have to pledge an oath of loyalty to the king.

Many observers of the war believe that the King’s demands are a wily move of a master political operative.

“They don’t call  the Burger King a whopper for nothing” said an analyst.

The Burger King knows (or hopes) that his offer will split the rebels into two factions:  the realists who will accept the Burger Free State and the die hards who want an independent republic.   Already the provisional assembly of the rebels has voted 62-57 to accept the Burger King’s offer.  The die hards, who have dubbed themselves the Burger King Republican Army walked out of the parliament after the vote.  Indeed, a split now seems inevitable, allowing the Burger King to take advantage and rebuild his strength.

However despite the seeming split in the rebel forces many insist that it is only temporary and the rebels will once again regroup and drive the Burger King from the land.

“We’ve come so far and accomplished so much to let this come between us” said a rebel commander.

If the rebels rally and drive him from his throne the Burger King says he is prepared.  Sitting in his office and eating a double BK stacker My kingdom for a BK stacker King Burger said, “If I lose the throne I can always do Dancing With the Stars.”

No word on what would happen to the King’s secret police if that happens.


7 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    This is all just a ruse so the KFC faction can establish an independent DoubleDownistan.

  2. Trestin says:

    Agreed. We have intelligence that the Colonel has been developing new herbs and spices years. It’s only a matter of time until he uses them.

  3. Well, I have long been loyal to the King, but I have to admit burgers without pickles is a bit over the top. I may have to join the rebellion.

  4. LSP says:

    maybe if we all just drum loud enough the King will go away and stop oppressing us.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: I don’t the double down faction!

    Trestin: I ask for a constitutional amendment: All herbs and spices must be developed in the open. Full transparency!

    Jim: No pickle. No peace!

    LSP: Occupy Burger King? The drums will drive anyone away.

  6. The BurgerKingdomia Republic is calling on the People’s Republic of McDonaldstan to aid in their fight to topple the King Burger.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I dunno. I hear that McDonaldstan is allied with the kingdom of KFC and their notorious elite guard of terrorists, the Double Downs.

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