The Environmental Protection announced today that it is suing legendary lumberjack Paul Bunyan for “crimes against Earth.”
In making the announcement EPA administrator Lisa Jackson told reporters that
Bunyan has a long history of destruction against sacred mother Earth. The once pristine western wilderness has been cleared by this lumberjack. What was once beautiful untouched country is now home to people! Filthy degrading humans who act as an invasive species. And that will not be tolerated in the EPA’s America!
She then went on to list Bunyan’s crimes against the Earth:
- Millions of acres of wilderness cleared through the rape of the Earth commonly known as “deforestation.“
- Destruction of natural ecosystems.
Jackson then went on to detail two of Bunyan’s most egregious examples of “Earth rape.”
- He (without permits or an environmental impact study) carved out the Grand Canyon by dragging his axe behind him.
- He created Mt. Hood by piling rocks on top of his campfire.
- Drug abuse
Because of his size (eight feet tall and 300 pounds) Mr. Bunyan has been under investigation for alleged steroid and/or HGH use.
- Cruelty to animals
Mr. Bunyan’s animal companion is a blue ox. “Whoever heard of a blue ox?” demanded Ms. Jackson. Also, Mr. Bunyan is suspected of injecting Babe the Blue Ox with steroids. Mr. Bunyan also is charged with creating the Great Lakes because he needed a watering hole large enough for his ox to drink from. (Curiously Mr. Bunyan does not deny this charge.)
If the EPA’s lawsuit is successful Mr. Bunyan will most probably lose his lumberjack license. He will also have to fix his environmental damage by filling in the Grand Canyon, removing Mt. Hood and draining the Great Lakes.
Mr. Bunyan, through his lawyer, denies any intent to rape Mother Earth.
“My client is a hardworking lumberjack just trying to make a living” said his attorney.
When asked what he would do if he couldn’t be a lumberjack Bunyan said, “I don’t know. Ray Lewis said I’d make a good defensive lineman so maybe football.”
Ms. Jackson of the EPA states that bringing down Bunyan is just the first step.
“We must end the practice of logging and deforestation in America. I don’t care how many people it puts out of work!”
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I dunno. Whoopi Goldberg would probably argue that Bunyan was guilty of ‘rape-rape’, so yeah.
On the other hand, I’m sure Bunyan is a raaaaacist. Babe is an oppressed minority oxen.
Shamus: Motherfucker! What? Oh sorry. That was yesterday’s post.
Remember way back when, when Tiger Woods was still cool, and he did that tap-tap juggly thing with a golf ball and club and then hit the ball like 300 yards?
I want Paul to do that to Lisa with his axe.
Careful Inn: The Democrats might flag your for hate speech.
I think Paul should invite Ms. Jackson out on a date or something and use his noted powers of persuasion on her; maybe even introduce her to the Babe.
Jim: Okay, now you’re just getting freaky.
I’m surprised the bitch didn’t call it the gang-rape of the earth.
Hey what about Babe his blue ox and all the methane pollution?
Paul Bunyan is a wood criminal, pure and simple.
I agree with your all the points. I am impressed from your post. Your post is very informative and very impressive.
What is the main benefit of this concept?
What is the point of this really…It is just a fictional character that has brought joy.