Original Draft of Gettysburg Address Revealed

Abraham Lincoln, 16th President and steroid cheatHere at the World Wide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we pride ourselves on our knowledge of history.  So when the original draft of the Gettysburg Address, complete with notes and changes, became available we decided to share it with our readers.

Shortly after Lincoln received the invitation to make a few remarks at the dedication of the Soldier’s National Cemetery he asked his cabinet to give him in writing what they thought of the idea.  His controversial Secretary of War Edwin Stanton wrote back:

A good idea with many political advantages.  We need Pennsylvania in the next election. Perhaps you can throw in a mention of high speed rail?

His Secretary of State William Seward was of the opposite opinion and wrote:

The idea is much too dangerous and the Democrats can use it against us.  P.S. Chase is an idiot.

Secretary of the Treasury Salmon Chase occupied the middle ground:

Not a bad idea in and of itself.  Go but do not mention high speed rail until we get Congress to fund it.  P.S. Tell Seward to stop touching meHe’s doing it again!   He’s touching me. He only does it when you’re not looking and when I complain I look like the idiot.

Gathering together the divergent opinions Lincoln presented the first draft of the speech to his cabinet.  They made numerous suggestions.  Some of which Lincoln adopted.

Four score and seven years ago [What the Hell is a score? – Chase] [You’re the Secretary of the Treasury and you don’t know?  Dickweed – Seward] [For the last time stop touching me! – Chase] our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty with the promise of high speed rail [Don’t mention high speed rail! Instead throw in some crap about a new birth of liberty.  The rubes will like it. – Seward]

Now we are engaged in a great civil war [Don’t call it a war.  Tone down the rhetoric or the Democrats will accuse us of fostering hatred.  Call it a man-caused disaster instead – Stanton] We are met on a great battlefield of that war [Man-caused disaster – Stanton] testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and dedicated can survive without high speed rail. [Again, don’t mention high speed rail.  I know you prefer Seward.  Admit it.  He’s your favorite! – Chase] [Chase is a dick – Seward]

We hereby resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain – that this nation, under God [Don’t mention G – might offend people.  Instead say something like “The omnipotent being who made the universe and then left us alone” – Stanton] shall have a new birth of {space intentionally left blank – I’ll throw something in later – Lincoln} [High speed rail? – Seward][Throw in some freedom crap – Stanton][If Seward touches me one more time I’m quitting! – Chase] and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the face of the Earth, keeping in mind EPA regulations may limit freedom for our own good. [Don’t mention the EPA.  It hasn’t been created yet and would just confuse people.  P.S. Chase is a dick – Seward]

Luckily for posterity Lincoln chose to ignore most of the suggestions.

Alas our anxious nation still waits for high speed rail.



6 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    Thank god Lincoln was his own man, and totally excited about the high speed rail line. Wounder how easy it would be to derail? Sounds like a easy target for a terrorist to me. Oh and if it gonna be made, maybe have only private contractors working on it, then I MIGHT just trust it a little bit.

  2. Seward was later heard trying to insert “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you” into the Emancipation Proclamation.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I’ve heard Seward was quite the prankster and troublemaker, which would explain his purchase of Alaska.

  4. innominatus says:

    That would have been a helluva lot harder to memorize for 8th Grade History. Thank the “omnipotent being who made the universe and then left us alone” for editors.

  5. Matt says:

    Did he ever stop with the touching?

  6. MK says:

    “Alas our anxious nation still waits for high speed rail.”

    So does mine, mind you, i’m glad the government doesn’t try because you can be sure they’ll screw it up and they’ll waste even more of our money on it.

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