My Exclusive Interview with Charlie Sheen

Our debt as explained by the hooker analogyI was fortunate to be able to sit down with the man of the hour, the most talked about two million dollar per episode man of Hollywood, Charlie Sheen.  Now, I realize I am not ABC or NBC or any of the networks.  I am just a humble blogger.  So I thank Mr. Sheen for contacting me and asking for an interview.

MI:  Mr. Sheen, once again I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview.

Charlie Sheen:  What are you doing?

MI:  What?  I – 

Charlie Sheen:  Don’t sit there.  You’re invading my Octagon.  Sit over there.

MI:  Let’s start the interview.  Many people have watched your actions and are puzzled.

Charlie Sheen:  I’m sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours.

MI:  I haven’t even asked a question yet.

Charlie Sheen:  Here’s a question for you Manhattan Infidel.  Do you often jet set around the globe with gorgeous, busty pole dancers and porn stars?  Do you  make 2 million dollars a week?

MI:  No I have a blog.  I live in a one-bedroom with a cat.

Charlie Sheen:  You’re jealous of my money and grandiose lifestyle.

MI:  Okay, next question.  You’ve stated that you won’t go back to Two and a Half Men unless they pay you three million an episode.

Charlie Sheen:  That’s right.  I’m worth it. I’m special!  I’m special!!!!!  Wouldn’t you like three million per week?  What would your bosses do if you asked them for three million a week?

MI:  They would not so gently remove my testicles with a plastic fork.

Charlie Sheen:  That’s because you’re not special.  I am.  I have powers. I close my eyes and with the powers of my mind alter reality.  Watch as I close my eyes and change the room.

MI:  Um.  Okay

Charlie Sheen:  See!  You see!  I made the room darker.

MI:  The light bulb blew out.

Charlie Sheen:  You think that’s a coincidence?  You’re unevolved mind disgusts me.  I’m Charlie Sheen dammit!

MI:  Okay.  Well I thank you for your time.

Charlie Sheen:  Wait. I’m not finished.  Before I fly off in my invisible airplane I’d like to say this to the world:  I am leaving soon and you’ll forgive me if I speak bluntly.  The universe grows smaller every day – 

MI:  Technically it’s expanding.

Charlie Sheen:  Do not interrupt me you worthless troll! Where was I?  Oh yes.  The universe grows smaller every day and the threat of aggression by any group, anywhere can no longer be tolerated. There must be security for all or no one is secure.  Now this does not mean giving up freedom, except the freedom to act irresponsibly.

MI:  Like you?

Charlie Sheen:  One more word out of you troll face and I will destroy you with my fire-breathing fists.  I’m an F-18 baby!  Now,  your ancestors knew this when they made laws to govern themselves and hired policemen to enforce them.  We, of other planets have long accepted this principle.  We have an organization for the mutual protection of all planets and for the complete elimination of all aggression.  We also have a police force of robots.

MI:  I’m going to leave now.  I’ll just let myself out.

Charlie Sheen:  Go.  Go Manhattan whatever your troll face name is.  You cannot accept my glory.  It’ll blind you.

MI:  Yeah, I’ll see you.

Charlie Sheen:  Yes. Leave me.  Oh, and when you get to the lobby can you see about getting room service up here?  There’s a dead porn star in my bed and she’s getting cold.  I –

And so I left the hotel room, having ended my interview with Mr. Sheen.    At least he let me live so I should be grateful to the special one.


6 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    Charlie Sheen is a Cylon! I knew there was something different about him!

  2. His spine glows!

    At least that’s what Denise Richards told me.

  3. innominatus says:

    For a full-blown freak, Charlie has excellent diction and a broad vocabulary. Gotta give him that much.

    >>>MI: No I have a blog. I live in a one-bedroom with a cat.

    You’re Allahpundit, aren’t you?

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    TJ: A cylon? Well, he is committed to the destruction of mankind.

    Shamus: Now that’s an image I hope to one day get OUT of my head.

    Inn: It’s charlie’s evolved mind. That explains the vocabulary. No. I’m not allahpundit. yet.

  5. Matt says:

    I have to be honest, it’s hard to do Sheen parody. He does it so well himself. However, Mr. Infidel, pulled it off!

  6. MK says:

    I was wondering when you’d be able to land this interview with Charlie.

    Funny thing about this whole fiasco is why people who watched the show are on his case for his real lifestyle. I mean they laugh when he’s on the show playing a promiscuous, irresponsible ass, and complain when he’s like that off the show as well. Would they watch the show if he were a responsible father and loving husband in it?

    Guess that’s hollywood isn’t it.

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