CIA director Leon Panetta, testifying in front of a congressional panel investigating intelligence failures admitted that his department was caught off guard by the Cylon uprising on the twelve colonies.

The CIA prides itself on keeping tabs on America’s enemies, be they rioting, racist, intolerant teabaggers, the Scottish or that chick from Nanny and the Professor.  But I have to confess we did not do our job monitoring the Cylons.  I was having my lunch when an assistant Deputy Director stormed into my office and said “The Cylons are attacking the 12 colonies.  And they look like humans.  And they are hot!”

Panetta then recounted the shock and confusion at CIA headquarters as they gathered around a television and watched DVDs of the brutal attack which killed millions and left a tiny remnant of 40,000 alive.

I never expected an attack.  The Cylons wars had been over for 40 years.  We had a truce and they left to find a planet to call their own.  We even built a remote spacestation where our diplomats could meet.  But they never showed.  And then they show up and Jesus Christ they are hot! I was totally blown away when the Asian girl who’s on Hawaii Five-0 now turned out to be a Cylon as well. 

Panetta then turned to CNN, his primary source of intelligence to see if they had any information on the uprising but was disappointed because CNN was instead wasting valuable airtime covering “some stupid disturbance in Libya.  I mean, Khadayfi isn’t even hot!”

Panetta then promised Congress that the CIA in the future will keep its ear to the ground in hopes of anticipating future uprisings.

From now on CNN is out the door.  We will only get our information from TMZ.  And maybe unsubstantiated rumors on the internet.  That’s what we do.  We gather intelligence.

Panetta then asked Congress for an additional three billion in funding to build a high-speed rail link to Caprica.

There are still human survivors on the planet.  Some of them might be hot.

The proposed high-speed rail link is threatened by irresponsible cost-cutting Republicans, who promised to slash $225.46 from the budget.

“It’s a significant first step in avoiding our imminent financial Armageddon” said  House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

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