Recently I had a chance to sit down with the Big Bad Wolf, or “Wolfie” as his friends call him.  Mr. Wolf has been in the news recently accused of attempting to molest local teen vixen Little Red Riding Hood.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Wolf.  Let’s begin with the question all my readers want to know.  Did you in fact attempt to molest Little Red Riding Hood?

Big Bad Wolf:  I am completely, positively 100% innocent of these allegations. I have done nothing wrong and am the victim of character assassination.

MI:  Take us to the night in question.  What happened?

Big Bad Wolf:  I had just finished my shift – I’m a working class wolf not like the papers say – and was walking home when I saw Little Red Riding Hood sitting on her front porch.

MI:  Did you approach her?  What did she say?

Big Bad Wolf:  Hell no.  She’s underage.  She came up to me and said ‘You look thirsty Wolfie.  I have beer inside the house.’  Well, what’s a working class wolf to do.  I like a drink.  So I followed her in.

MI:  In hindsight probably not the smartest thing to do.

Big Bad Wolf:  Probably not.  I didn’t know her parents were away for the week and we’d be all alone.  

MI:  What happened next?

Big Bad Wolf:  I asked her where the beer was.  She pointed to the fridge and told me to grab one and that she’d be right back.  I was drinking a beer when she came back into the kitchen wearing a Catholic school girl’s uniform.  She looked like Britney Spears. 

MI:  What did you do?

Big Bad Wolf:  Well I started to sense things weren’t right.  I put my beer down and thanked her and started to walk towards the door. She grabbed me and said ‘I’m 16 now.  I’m a woman and I have needs.’  Then she started to kiss me.

MI:  Did you try to leave?

Big Bad Wolf:  Hell yes!  I didn’t want to get into trouble.  I have a wife and kids you know.  But she knocked me down and got on top of me.  She kept trying to grab my belt and unbuckle it.  

MI:  But you resisted?

Big Bad Wolf:  As much as humanely possible.

MI:  You see, many of my readers find it hard to believe that a grown wolf such as yourself could not fight off a 16 year old girl.  Many say that you didn’t try to resist.

Big Bad Wolf:  Lies.  All lies.  Okay, so she looked great.  Really great.  And I might have had a moment of weakness but in the end I resisted her.  Everyone thinks she’s so innocent.  I know better.  She’s a temptress.

MI:  But you resisted?

Big Bad Wolf: Yes.

MI:   What about the photos of you in her bed.  Wearing woman’s clothing?

Big Bad Wolf:  It was her idea.  She said I’d better play along or she’d tell the cops I tried to rape her.

MI:  You are smiling in all the photos.

Big Bad Wolf:  I was crying inside. I’m innocent I swear.

MI:  What about the email you sent her later?  The one that said you enjoyed your romp and want to do it again?

Big Bad Wolf:  Look technically I might have committed a felony but it was her idea!

MI:  And this other email you sent her?  Is this a photo of your penis?  Should a grown wolf be emailing a photo of his penis to a 16 year old girl? Do you think this is right?

Big Bad Wolf:  I don’t know.  I don’t know what to think anymore.   All I wanted was a beer.  Can I go now?

MI:  You’re free to leave anytime you want.  There is the door.

At this point Mr. Wolf ended the interview and left by the front door.  He was tackled by local police, handcuffed and taken into custody.  During the encounter Mr. Wolf soiled himself while sobbing, “I don’t want to live anymore.  I don’t want to live.”

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