In some of the most radical changes to its core system of beliefs in decades, the U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops has announced sweeping changes in doctrine and practice.

Out:  Sin, Hell, penance, the Virgin Mary.

In:  Calisthenics, gluten-free food, hugs.

“We don’t make these changes lightly” said one Bishop.   “But with scandals and declining Mass attendance we felt it was time to ‘get hip’ as the young folks say.  That, and none of us knows any theology anymore.”

Hell will be officially removed from future versions of the Bible and classroom textbooks.

This Hell thing has screwed with people’s minds long enough.  I mean Hell sounds pretty unpleasant doesn’t it? This constant harping on Hell is just breeding paranoia and alcoholism.  And that’s just us Bishops.  Besides, we’re pretty sure Vatican II abolished Hell.

To replace Hell, people will be asked to “hug each other more and maybe do a few jumping jacks to revitalize your body.”

Sunday services, commonly called “Mass” will also change.

The use of lay lectors will increase.  Even the gospel, which has been traditionally said only by a priest will now be said by a lay lector.  Preferably a woman.  Over 70.  And obese.  With a deep hatred for men.

“We think this important change will demonstrate the inclusiveness of the Church.”

During the reading of the Gospel, the priest will be directed to look bored and or angry.

It is important for priests to realize that attendance at Mass is preventing him from doing what’s really important like committing acts of social justice by protesting America’s racist stockpile of nuclear arms. We’re pretty sure this is what Vatican II wanted.

The moment of consecration, formerly known as “transubstantiation” will be replaced by “transsexual substantiation.”

Next to the iPhone, sex is our creator’s greatest gift to people kind.  Why not celebrate it?  Accordingly a nonmarried couple, both of whom shall for inclusiveness’ sake have penises, will be invited to copulate on the altar. How can anyone object to that.  Besides, it’s a long overdue change demanded by Vatican II.

Purgatory will be abolished.

This whole notion of having to work off sins is so 1950s.  There is no sin anymore.  Hence people do not need to be purged of it.  Though if the old fashioned Catholic still wants to suffer and feel guilty they are invited to spend the weekend in Albany, New York.

Bishops and priests will also wear badges that read “How may we help you feel good about yourselves?”

“I think all these ideas are great” said a bishop.  “And we should know.  We’ve been doing things right for almost 50 years.”

The changes will take effect immediately.

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