After watching the two main political parties in action I, Manhattan Infidel, have decided that an alternative is needed.  I believe it is time for a fresh face in Washington.  I believe I am that man.  However I appreciate that there are divergent opinions and if I run for President I may be as successful as Nick Johnson’s try at breaking Cal Ripkin’s consecutive game streak.

Accordingly I have created a political action committee (pictured here). This PAC will be responsible for contacting you, the public, with questions they have formulated.   If your answers coincide with what I feel are the greatest needs of this country then I will officially announce  my candidacy for Presidency of the United States.

And so without further delay, after much thought, research and bananas, here are the questions from my political action group:

• Do you believe this country is heading in the wrong direction?

a)  Yes

b) No

c) I like bananas

• Do you like bananas?

a)  Oh yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  I eat bananas all day long.

b) I prefer Chilean sea bass.

c)  This country is headed in the wrong direction.

• Your handlers at the zoo insist you wear underwear and “perform” for the crowds.  What do you do?

a)  As long as I get bananas I don’t care.  I love bananas!

b)  It’s a paying gig.  But what I really want to do is direct.

c) A planet where apes evolved from men? Now we know the answer!

• Do you enjoy masturbating in public?

a)  Bananas!  I love bananas!  Give me more bananas!

b) Get a room?  I’m a freaking monkey!  And my credit card was rejected.

c)  Hey you.  No not you.  The girl on the left.  No, behind the Samoan. Yes you.  So…….you come here often?

• What is your opinion on the current unrest in the Middle East?  Just a temporary phenomenon or symptomatic of a deeper yearning for freedom?

a)  I like Khadayfi.  I bet he likes to eat bananas and masturbate in public.

b)  It’s a complex issue and only time will tell.  Oh who am I kidding.  Bananas!!!!!!!!!!

c)  Hey you. No not you.  The one behind you .  No not the Samoan.  The one holding the Home Depot shopping bags.   Do you have bananas in those bags? No? Don’t lie to me or I’ll rip your face off.

• What steps should be taken regarding our debt?

a)  Gold standard?  How about the banana standard!!

b)  I’d like to masturbate in public right now but that Samoan standing there is like a cold shower for me.

c)  I haven’t much thought about the debt since I accidentally castrated myself on the electric fence while trying to escape.

And so friends, please answer carefully and honestly.  The future of our country hangs in the balance.  There will be free bananas for everyone who responds to the questionnaire.

And, if I run, I have decided that my theme song will be “Having my Baby” by Paul Anka.  So let’s sing along America:

Having my baby

What a lovely way of saying what you’re thinking of me.

Whoa the seed inside you babe do you feel it growing?

Are you happy you know it?

That you’re having my baby

Admit it America.  You want my seed.

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