Greetings from the Department of Homeland Security.  We in the Department take the responsibility to protect Americans seriously.  That is why in the wake of the Newtown shootings we have provided our citizens with this handy set of instructions on how to survive an active shooter scenario. At some point in your career as […]

In the week since Barack Obama was sworn in to his second term in office a scandal has rocked Washington D.C.  Known as Lip Synch Gate or Beyonce Gate this scandal threatens the economic recovery begun under President Obama’s watch. I came to Washington with the intent to discover all the facts.  But that sounds […]

Yet another Friday is upon us.  Friday.  Or as we like to call it at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel, “just another joyless day filled with crap.”  And in the spirit of joyless crap we now present yet another horoscope. Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19) Mercury in your sign will help you get straight to […]

  In the wake of the Newtown massacre many asked “When will this happen again?” and “Let’s stop school shootings!”  I suppose such sentiments are normal.  But in my capacity as a member of the mainstream media let me pose this question:  Have you considered the many benefits of a school shooting?  For there is […]

  When Senator Mark Kirk, returning to work a year after his near-fatal stroke, told colleagues that when he was in a coma angels with New York accents appeared to him it naturally got me to thinking.  Do angels really have New York accents?  So using my contacts on the street I arranged for a […]

Famed billionaire industrialist Willie Wonka has shut down his chocolate factory, throwing hundreds of Oompa-Loompas out of work and denying children throughout the world his candy bars. “I didn’t have much of a choice” said Wonka. The EPA was coming after me. The government raised my taxes because they wanted me to pay my “fair […]

  French parolee Jean Valjean was surprised today to receive a facebook friend request from longtime nemesis Parisian inspector Javert. “This came totally out of left field” Valjean told friends.  He (Javert) must be part bloodhound or something.  Once I left prison I thought I’d never see him again.  I mean I have violated my […]

A whale beached itself today in Breezy Point Queens.  Concerned citizens first noticed the stranded 60-foot finback whale in the early morning.  Emergency services were summoned to the beach and doused it with water while they waited for the high tide to pull it back to sea. Speculation immediately began as to the whale’s motives.  […]

  As we enter the new year and King Obama’s inauguration gets closer I thought it was time that I gave my readers a few suggestions on what I think might be done to make the United Kingdom of America a better place to live. For make no mistake.  The people have spoken. Facism.  Dictatorship. […]

A high school in America stunned the world today by not having a mass shooting. As soon as reports filtered in that a man, possibly white, possibly a socially awkward loner, and possible disgruntled over high taxes and the healthcare reform law, was seen in the hallways of the school national and international networks interrupted […]