My Exclusive Interview with North Pole Legend Sam the Snowman!

When a man becomes preeminent, he’s expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms… What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy?








With the beginning of the holiday season what better time is it to interview none other than the North Pole’s strangely anthropomorphic snowman Sam, aka Mr. Silver and Gold.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Snowman.

SSM:  Please, call me Sam.

MI:  Okay Sam.  Tell me, what exactly is your role here in the North Pole?

SSM:  Well you could say I’m the official meeter and greeter.  Tourists come up here to see Santa or Rudolph and the first thing they see is me.  I welcome them and put them at ease by singing a few songs.

MI:  That sounds very nice.

SSM:  It is.  I like seeing the looks on the children’s faces when I greet them.

MI:  It must be very satisfying.

SSM:  It is.  But speaking of satisfying that’s not the real perk of the job.  

MI:  What would that be?

SSM:  The mothers.  I’m really into MILFs.

MI:  Um.

SSM:  And the mothers really love me. Once you have snow you never go back.

MI:  Right. Okay, well moving along – 

SSM:  They like the way my cold, snowy skin feels against their body.

MI:  Well this interview is certainly going in a direction I wasn’t expecting.

SSM:  Hey do you know Olivia Wilde?

MI:  No I’ve never met her.

SSM:  I hear she and that Harry Styles have broken up. This might be the right time for Olivia to experience first hand some snowjob action.

MI: Please.  Can we change the subject.  Is there anything else about you that you want my readers to know?

SSM:  I have herpes.

MI:  What?

SSM:  Of course the meds keep it under control but I do have flareups now and then.

MI:  How the hell did you get – no wait. Never mind.  Don’t tell me.

SSMI think I got it from Debbie Gibson.  She’s a freak in the sheets if you know what I mean.  Of course it might have been Tiffany.  She was a rough little vixen.

MI:  Can we talk about something else besides herpes and sex?

SSM:  I shot JFK.

MI: What?

SSM:  Being a North Pole meeter and greeter doesn’t pay much so occasionally I take odd jobs for the CIA.

MI:  The CIA paid you to shoot JFK?

SSM:  It’s a living.

MI:  Well that’s about all the time we have.  Are there any last words you have for my readers?

SSM:  Michelle Obama is a man.

MI:  Everybody already knows that.

SSM: Oh.  Okay.

And so ended my interview with Sam the Snowman. I think I need a drink.


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