With the beginning of the holiday season what better time is it to interview none other than the North Pole’s strangely anthropomorphic snowman Sam, aka Mr. Silver and Gold.
MI: Good morning Mr. Snowman.
SSM: Please, call me Sam.
MI: Okay Sam. Tell me, what exactly is your role here in the North Pole?
SSM: Well you could say I’m the official meeter and greeter. Tourists come up here to see Santa or Rudolph and the first thing they see is me. I welcome them and put them at ease by singing a few songs.
MI: That sounds very nice.
SSM: It is. I like seeing the looks on the children’s faces when I greet them.
MI: It must be very satisfying.
SSM: It is. But speaking of satisfying that’s not the real perk of the job.
MI: What would that be?
SSM: The mothers. I’m really into MILFs.
MI: Um.
SSM: And the mothers really love me. Once you have snow you never go back.
MI: Right. Okay, well moving along –
SSM: They like the way my cold, snowy skin feels against their body.
MI: Well this interview is certainly going in a direction I wasn’t expecting.
SSM: Hey do you know Olivia Wilde?
MI: No I’ve never met her.
SSM: I hear she and that Harry Styles have broken up. This might be the right time for Olivia to experience first hand some snowjob action.
MI: Please. Can we change the subject. Is there anything else about you that you want my readers to know?
SSM: I have herpes.
MI: What?
SSM: Of course the meds keep it under control but I do have flareups now and then.
MI: How the hell did you get – no wait. Never mind. Don’t tell me.
SSM: I think I got it from Debbie Gibson. She’s a freak in the sheets if you know what I mean. Of course it might have been Tiffany. She was a rough little vixen.
MI: Can we talk about something else besides herpes and sex?
SSM: I shot JFK.
MI: What?
SSM: Being a North Pole meeter and greeter doesn’t pay much so occasionally I take odd jobs for the CIA.
MI: The CIA paid you to shoot JFK?
SSM: It’s a living.
MI: Well that’s about all the time we have. Are there any last words you have for my readers?
SSM: Michelle Obama is a man.
MI: Everybody already knows that.
SSM: Oh. Okay.
And so ended my interview with Sam the Snowman. I think I need a drink.
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