I yam what I yam!

Navy veteran Popeye the Sailor Man has been arrested by the FBI after an exhaustive investigation into leaks of classified intelligence.

“We’ve had our eye on Popeye for some time” said the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.

At first we thought that the mole selling secrets was someone higher up in the Navy brass.  No one thought a simple sailor with a corncob pipe could be such a diabolical double agent.  But as we investigated further it all came down to Popeye.  It turns out he’d been selling secrets to the Chinese for years. At first we couldn’t figure out how he did it. We thought that maybe he was hiding the secrets in his freakishly massive forearms.  I mean really.  They are too big.  Just look at the arm from the shoulder to the elbow.  It’s a damn string.  Then below the elbow.  Pow!  Massive. But it turns out it was really way more simple and old school than that. Popeye had been using two of his cohorts, a woman named Olive Oyl and a friend of his J. Wellington Wimpy, to help him meet with the Chinese and give them the nuclear secrets.  Popeye would use a secret message to the two telling them he had information and he’d meet them.  They in turn would relay his information to the Chinese.  As to how they knew he wanted a meeting?  Well it was genius.  The code word was “spinach.”  Popeye would text that word to both of them and they knew he had information for them.

Popeye might have continued selling secrets forever if it weren’t for a chance bust of Oyl and Wimpy.  The two were arrested for having sex on a park bench and they then agreed to give up Popeye.

Popeye was arrested while trying to meet with the duo.

He had no idea they they had given him up and he was quite surprised. Surprised but resigned.  “I yam what I yam” he kept telling our agents.

After his arrest he was taken to a Federal facility where there will be a military trial.

“Hopefully the bastard will fry” said one agent.

As for Popeye’s cohorts,  Wimpy was held for further questioning.

We know he knows more than he’s telling us.  So we are working on him to give it up.  At first we tried the stick but that didn’t yield anything.  Now we are trying the carrot. Wimpy said he’d give us what we needed if we gave him some hamburgers.  He’s been stuffing them into his mouth for hours now.  I mean, really.  How many hamburgers can the fat f*ck eat?

 

One big fat f*ck who loves burgers

Olive Oyl continues to deny any knowledge of wrongdoing.

“I’m just a weak, helpless female.  What do I know about nuclear secrets” said Miss Oyl.

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