Dammit I knew I should have stuck with gas power!

Testing his new electric sleigh, Santa crashed shortly after takeoff.  There are no survivors.

“We are deeply saddened by the death of Santa and our reindeer comrades” said an elf at Santa’s headquarters in the North Pole.

Like all of us, Santa considered himself a steward of the environment and was very concerned about climate change. That’s why he switched to an experimental, battery powered sleigh.  I remember the last words he said to me as he took off.  “What good is bringing presents to all the boys and girls if they are underwater.”  Some of us had doubts about the viability of an electric-powered sleigh.  For one it would be much heavier and no one really knew how many charging stations would be available to Santa on Christmas Eve.  But he was adamant about switching.  And not just because by switching to electric power he was going to get a subsidy from the World Economic Forum.

Santa took off on his new sleigh, dubbed “Santa Electric” (but informally known as “Crash and Burn” by the elves) shortly after dawn with Rudolph leading the way with his famous red nose, which was also using electric power.

Eyewitnesses say that Santa’s sleigh appeared to have difficulty from the start and rose slowly into the sky before beginning a rapid descent.  Air traffic controllers heard Santa shout “Dammit I’m losing control!.  Motherf*cker we’re going down!  Tell my wife I love her!” before losing contact.

First responder rushed to the crash site only to be greeted by a scene of devastation.

“Santa’s sleigh was a mangled mess” said one EMT.

We found Santa’s body about 50 yards from the sleigh. Obviously there had been a sudden, high-speed impact with the ground.  Santa’s head was badly crushed and deformed and the brain was almost completely eviscerated.  The right side of the face was crushed and the right eye-socket eviscerated.  The facial features were not identifiable.  We identified him by his red suit.  The consistency of the chest was soft due to extensive crushing of the bony structure.

The bodies of the reindeer were never found and the National Transportation Safety Board speculates that the reindeer disintegrated on impact.

All we found was Rudolph’s red nose, which was still glowing.  Ironically it led us straight to the crash site.  Good to know that at least we can save his nose for future use.

As for plans for Christmas this year, the elves maintain that the holiday will go on as normally scheduled.

“Except we are going to use the old gas-powered sleigh. As to who will replace Santa, right now we are leaning towards New York governor Kathy Hochul. Hey, she might need a new job soon” said the head elf.

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