This dangerous and wild animal must be studied!

Acting on a tip of a strangely anthropomorphic teddy bear that was encroaching on human territory and stealing honey, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service today shot and tagged the bear, nicknamed “Winnie” by his human companion Christopher Robin, in hopes of getting further information on the bear.

“We used a drone to locate the bear” said a representative from the Fish and Wildlife service.

Once we had a positive I.D. our agents moved in.  Sure enough there he was, on a public playground not far from children, eating honey and wearing no pants.  We shot him with a tranquilizer and stapled a locater beacon on his ear.

Agents then moved back to observe the bear once he regained consciousness.

We wanted to see if he would reject the tag and rip it off his ear. Instead he woke up, looked at us and asked if we had any honey. We gave him some honey and he started licking it with his paw.  As he was tasting the honey he looked at us and said “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”  This startled us as we usually don’t have bears we have tagged talk to us. Usually they just charge and rip our face off.  That happened to one of our agents. We call him “Faceless Dave.”  He was attacked by a bear he had just tagged and it ripped his face right off. He doesn’t seem to be bitter about it and says it’s all part of the job.  Though having no jaw he does miss eating.

After finishing the honey Winnie saluted the agents and said “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” before disappearing into the woods.

With the locater beacon active, agents followed him at a safe distance to see what he would do next.

Naturally no one wants an anthropomorphic bear wearing no pants around their children.  Sure enough we followed him to a local school where he entered and asked for Christopher Robin.  We had the school placed in lockdown and Christopher Robin was evacuated for his own safety. He seemed pretty upset about it and kept telling us that Winnie was harmless and was his friend. Obviously we didn’t believe him.  He must be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Or just weird.

Believing children might be in danger Fish and Wildlife entered the school with their guns.

We found him in the cafeteria eating honey and told him to step away from the jar.  That’s when he said “I wasn’t going to eat it, I was just going to taste it” and “I’m so rumbly in my tumbly.”

Refusing to step away from the jar of honey, agents opened fire.

He didn’t die immediately but was pretty badly hurt.  As he was lying on the floor he asked why we shot him.  He also said “Well will you look at that?  I have no genitalia!”  Those were his last words before he expired.

Christopher Robin has been taken to a secure location for debriefing.

He seems pretty uncooperative and keeps calling us killers. Kids!  Hopefully when he gets older he’ll realize we killed Winnie for his own good.

Winnie’s body was taken to the Fish and Wildlife office in DC for further study.

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