Martha’s Vineyard’s New Tourism Slogans

Welcoming and tolerant. As long as you’re rich and white.








Recently Martha’s Vineyard was in the news after a planeload of migrants were dropped off on the island. Realizing that the presence of Hispanics on Martha’s Vineyard would hurt their tourism industry the migrants were immediately sent to another location. The town council then convened an emergency all-night session and came up with some new slogans that they hope will bring the tourists back.

My source* on Martha’s Vineyard has sent me the new prospective tourism slogans and has asked me to disseminate them with the hope that the public at large will decide which one to use.

And so hearkening to my commitment to truth and facts** I now present  the complete list of potential tourism slogans for Martha’s Vineyard:

  1.  Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse – no wait, wretched refuse?  Hey did we mention how Beautiful Rhode Island is this time of year?
  2. We are the welcoming committee of America.  Now get off our lawn.
  3. We love Hispanics.  Can you work on my roof?  What?  You’re Venezuelan not Mexican? I thought all you people were Mexican.
  4. Venezuela? Is that even a country?
  5. No seriously. Is it like South Mexico?
  6. If you think Martha’s Vineyard is pretty try Nantucket Island.  We have boats leaving every hour.  Be on one.
  7. For the last time Chappaquiddick is another island. Yes we are only 100 yards away by boat but technically Ted Kennedy did not kill that girl while on Martha’s Vineyard.
  8. Do you Venezuelans know any Mexicans? I need my roof worked on.
  9. No? Well then can you work on my roof?  It’s leaking. 
  10. What the hell do you mean you can’t work on my roof? F*cking Venezuelans!
  11. Nantucket sent you back to us? I thought they were welcoming and inclusive.
  12. Make note:  Possible Republican infestation on Nantucket.
  13. Make note:  Ban all citizens of Nantucket from visiting us.  We don’t want those nasty Republicans walking around our island.
  14. Republicans all look alike to us so it’s difficult to spot them.
  15. Do you think the Republicans from Nantucket would wear yellow badges on their clothing so we can tell who they are?
  16. If you can’t work on my roof do you at least have some pot for me? And don’t tell me no.  All you Hispanics sell pot.
  17. Monkeypox?
  18. I have lesions on my anus, probably put there overnight by sneaky Republicans.  You know how they are.
  19. For the last time we are not named after Martha Stewart.
  20. All are welcome.  But if you’re Hispanic at least work on our roof or have some pot for us. Is that too much to ask?

* I don’t actually have a source on Martha’s Vineyard. I did but he died when he fell off someone’s roof while working on it.

** My commitment is really to beer and pizza but for the sake of appearances I have to say “truth and facts.



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