Darth Vader to Re-design suit; Seeks Open Concept and Subway Backsplash

I Like the idea of an open concept!











Sith Lord Darth Vader has decided that he is going to completely redesign his mobile life support system.

“It’s time” said Vader when announcing the change.

Don’t get me wrong.  After my duel with that pansy Obi-Wan Kenobi my suit gave me a new life.  And it has many advantages.  It exudes an air of intimidation, which is very important for anyone representing the Dark Side.  But the suit is, well, a little dated.  It’s very claustrophobic.  And dark.  Very very dark.  It doesn’t let the sun in.  I may represent the Dark Side but I like sunshine just the same as everyone else.  And don’t get me started on trying to eat in this thing.  Have you ever tried to eat pasta in one of these?  Half doesn’t make it through the slits on my mouth thingy and the other half dribbles down my suit.  You try intimidating people when you have pasta stains all over the front of your mobile life support system!

After receiving multiple bids, Vader settled on the design team of Chip and Joanna Gaines.

We can do so much with Vader’s suit!








“We look forward to this challenge” said Joanna Gaines.

What can I say about Darth’s suit?  Who originally designed it?  I suppose it was good at the time but it’s very outdated.  What I want to do is create an open concept and make his suit more roomy and modern.  So I’m going to knock down the exterior walls and put up some shiplap.  Also he could use some subway tile backsplash. The entire effect will make him seem friendlier.  He may represent the Dark Side but that doesn’t mean he can’t be approachable.

The first step in the redesign is what Chip Gaines likes to call “Demo Day!”

I love Demo Day!  I get to knock down stuff.  I guess it’s the little boy in me that likes doing this.  Darth wasn’t so sure.  He got a little nervous when I started attacking his life support suit with a sledgehammer. But he calmed down when I explained that it was all part of the process.  The only part I didn’t like was getting to see what he looked like without the suit.  He was all moldy and wrinkled and disfigured. I haven’t seen anything that disgusting since Mick Jagger.

Despite a few bumps along the way Vader is very happy with his new suit redesign.

Darth Vader’s new roomy life support suit









“I can’t tell you how much I love it!” said the happy Dark Lord.

So much space!  I get to move around.  And I love the homey touches in the new suit.  The backsplash.  The shiplap.  And they even put up a motivational poster that says “Dark Lords need love too!”  I tell you, Chip and Joanna understand me!

Despite Vader’s happiness with his new suit there have been issues.  As the suit is now 30 feet wide he has difficulty getting in and out of doors and the other Sith Lords have taken to calling him “Darth Fat Ass.”

They can say what they want” Vader replied. “They are just jealous. Soon everyone will be asking for a suit that looks like mine!”


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