Biden Travels to Lower Circles of Hell for Rousing Campaign Speech!

The Dark Lord!











President Biden travelled to the lowest circles of Hell on Thursday to give a speech warning of the dangers Republicans pose to the new world order.

“I want to thank the many demons here for allowing me to speak tonight” said President Biden

As I look out at the audience I see many good Democrats here. Judas Iscariot, Muhammed the Prophet, John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald and of course the big man himself, my good buddy Satan, the Father of Lies. Where’s Ginger?  You know the girl from Gilligan’s Island.  I was told she’d be here too.

Satan spoke up and reminded the President that while it is true that all gingers have no soul and are condemned, the actress who played Ginger was still very much alive.

“She’ll be here soon. Just be patient” said Satan.

The President then gave the reason for speaking from hell.

I wanted to give a speech in front of loyal Democrats.  And where will you find more Democrats than here?  Actually the original plan was to give the speech at Independence Hall in Philadelphia but the crime rate in that city is incredible. It was then that my chief of staff suggested Hell, saying that I’d be safer in Hell and that since I was going to be there soon anyway I might as well take a look around.

With the introductory remarks out of the way, the President started into his speech.

My fellow Americans, please, if you have a seat, take it. If you don’t have one, steal it. If you have no seat to steal then wait for a Demon to flay your body into a seat.  I speak to you tonight from sacred ground for Democrats:  Hell, the birthplace of slavery and socialism.  Two beliefs dear to all Democrats.

But as I stand here tonight, equality and democracy are under assault by people who disagree with me.  And disagreeing with me is disagreeing with Satan.  And disagreeing with Satan will get you flayed.

We, the people, have burning inside each of us the flame of liberty that was lit at Independence Hall.  Okay maybe not the flame of liberty.  More like the fires of hell that are burning inside us. Liberty. Hell.  They are the same thing.

Donald Trump and the MAGA Republicans represent an extremism and love of liberty that threaten the very foundations of our Hell.

Now, I want to be very clear —  very clear up front: Not every Republican, not even the majority of Republicans, are MAGA Republicans.  Not every Republican embraces their extreme ideology. Many Republicans will also end up in hell.

And these mainstream Hell-bound Republicans are Republicans I can work with.

I’m an American President — not the President of red America or blue America, but of all America. At least the Americans in Hell.

History tells us that blind loyalty to a single leader and a willingness to engage in political violence is fatal to democracy. That’s why I’m asking all Americans to follow my good friend Satan and if possible give him ten percent of everything they make. And not just because Satan gives me ten percent of his cut but because it’s the right thing to do.

We, the people, will not let anyone or anything tear us apart.

As the President said this a demon flew about his head, tearing apart one of the condemned.

Look at that.  Must be a MAGA Republican!

We’ve seen FBI agents just doing their job arresting the opposition as I have directed, facing threats to their own lives from their own fellow citizens. Such disrespect for Satan’s minions shall not be tolerated.

Even in this moment, with all the challenges we face, I give you my word as a Biden: I will sniff your child’s hair.

I ran for President because I believed we were in a battle for the soul of this nation.  And looking about me at all the condemned souls in Hell I know one thing:  These are my people.  These are loyal Democrats.

May God protect our nation. And may God protect all those who stand watch over our democracy. God bless you all.  Democracy. Thank you

The President then left the podium to thundering applause from the souls in attendance.  Actually it might have been thundering applause or it might have been the sound of souls being flayed by demons.

The President’s speech was well-received in Hell, although the big man, Satan himself, took issue with Biden asking for God’s protection.

“After all I’ve done for him he thanks God?  That does it. I’m giving an order to the next prostitute Hunter goes to:  Give the S.O.B. herpes!”



2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    This is a great post.

    Our Beloved Ruler reigns victorious, in Hell.

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