Manhattan Infidel Presents the Complete Text of the Green New Deal Because He Cares About the Environment and Other Factors Including But Not Limited To Alexandria Ocasio Cortez Threatened to Bite Me With Her Famous Chompers (Part V)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you







And now after a week of enlightening my readers about the most important proposal in the history of Congress I finish with Part V. May the Green New Deal be as widely read as the Bible, the Koran and Harry Potter books combined!

vi.  ensuring that public lands, waters, and oceans are protected and that eminent domain is not abused; And by this I mean all land, water and oceans. We shall nationalize everything so we can control it. Even the ocean shall be nationalized. And we shall make sure that no nasty fossil fuel using boats cross our nationalized oceans. Instead we shall build a high speed rail system across the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

vii. We shall ensure that our most important roads, the Hershey Highway and Fudgepacker Boulevard, are protected from pollution. I have no idea where the Hershey Highway or Fudgepacker Boulevard are. I’m assuming Pennsylvania. Chuck Schumer said he wants to personally show me these two very important roads. He said I’d enjoy it.

viii.  removing greenhouse gases (eventually gases from houses of every color) from the atmosphere and reducing pollution, including by restoring natural ecosystems (we might have to move people from the cities to collective farms in rural areas) through proven low-tech solutions that increase soil carbon storage, such as preservation and afforestation.  In short all our cities and suburbs shall be depopulated and the people who formerly lived in them will be redistributed (such is the glory of socialism) to rural areas in the United States.  Those who formerly lived in populated areas shall learn the glory of working with their hands. Sixteen hours a day. While bending over. Pulling fruits and vegetables out of the ground.

ix. Banning all electronic devices including so-called smart phones since smart phones pollute our environment. Chuck Schumer is mad about this and said he needs his cell phone to send me dick photos. I assume me means Dick Smothers. I saw the Smothers Brothers once.  Well not in person. They are old. But their old TV show.

x.  Chuck Schumer just told me that by dick photos he meant a photo of his penis. He says helping protect the environment gives him a woody and he wants to show it to me.

xi.  I mean I’m fine with that. I’ve seen penises before. Most of them look the same except for this one guy I knew in college who had an accident with a weed wacker. Funny story actually. It looks like a shredded flag. He said it still worked he just needed some duct tape and whiskey.

xii. What that story has to do with protecting our environment I don’t know. But weed wackers do use some sort of internal combustion engine so they shall be banned.

xiii. Chuck Schumer just face timed me on his smart phone. He had his pants at his ankles and he was playing with his penis. I should not stand for this type of behavior and if he were a Republican I’d object but he’s a Democrat and I guess saving the environment really does get him excited!

And there you have it. The entire text of the much vaunted Green New Deal. May protecting the environment make us all as excited as Chuck Schumer!



3 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    One of the best things about Schumer is dissimilarity to Weiner.

    Don’t say Ocasio’s laptop.

  2. LSP says:

    And Weiner’s released. Don’t say Green Day.

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