You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

As the entire world no doubt is aware a new savior has arisen on the horizon. Since winning election to Congress Alexandria Ocasio Cortez has enlightened us with her wisdom, eloquence and supernatural legislative ability.

Because I want to acknowledge the present and future leader of the Democratic Socialist party of America I now present the full text of her breathtakingly beautiful and practical “Green New Deal.”  This Green New Deal presents the “Sense of Congress” and as such it is our duty to obey.

Recognizing the duty of the Federal Government to create a Green New
Deal.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
Ms. OCASIO-CORTEZ submitted the following resolution; which was referred to
the Committee on ______
RESOLUTION
Recognizing the duty of the Federal Government to create
a Green New Deal.

Whereas the October 2018 report entitled ‘‘Special Report on Global Warming of 1.5oC’’ by the intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, hereinafter referred to as the Intergovernmental Panel filled with People Who Can’t Get Real Jobs,  and the November 2018 Fourth National Climate Assessment report found that—

1. human activity is the dominant cause of observed climate change over the past century; As for the unobserved climate change since it is unobserved we cannot blame it on humans. Perhaps if we had been observing the unobserved climate change we could but hey, that’s the breaks.  Unobserved climate change sounds rather spooky. Maybe Scooby Doo and his gang can find out who the culprit is.
2. a changing climate is causing sea levels to rise and an increase in wildfires, severe storms, droughts, and other extreme weather events that threaten human life, healthy communities, and critical infrastructure.  I know the moon causes sea levels to rise and fall. The common folk call this phenomenon “tides” but we know wealthy white folk are responsible.
3. global warming at or above 2 degrees Celsius beyond preindustrialized (for “preindustrialized” please understand we mean socialist countries) levels will cause—

1. mass migration from the regions most affected by climate change; And we don’t want mass migration. Unless it’s caravans from Central America coming to the Southern border of the United States.
2. more than $500,000,000,000 in lost annual economic output in the United States by the year 2100; I probably won’t be alive in 2100 so I really don’t care but I just thought I’d throw a number out here. Math is hard and no one will question the number anyway
3. wildfires that, by 2050, will annually burn at least twice as much forest area in the western United States than was typically burned by wildfires in the years preceding 2019; Wildfire. I always liked that song.  She comes down from Yellow Mountain/On a dark, flat land she rides/On a pony she named Wildfire…..oh oh oh Wildfire….wil-yile-yile-yild fire!
4. a loss of more than 99 percent of all coral reefs on Earth; The one percent that lives will be organ harvested and used in cancer patients
5. more than 350,000,000 more people to be exposed globally to deadly heat stress by 2050; 350,000,000 – that a lot of people. I wonder if they can live underground. It’s cooler there
6. a risk of damage to $1,000,000,000,000 of public infrastructure and coastal real estate in the United States; I know I’m throwing up a lot of numbers here and I apologize for that. But the white man likes numbers. They feed his toxic masculinity. When the peoples of color take over the world we shall ban math and numbers and replace them with yoga!

Tomorrow:  Part Two (May Alexandria Ocasio Cortez be forever blessed).

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