A Special Message From the Virginia General Assembly

Would you like to be our governor?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the honor of presenting a special message to all Americans from the Virginia General Assembly.

Take it away General Assembly!

Hello to all Americans!

We in the Virginia General Assembly would like to remind everyone what a great state Virginia is. We were one of the original 13 colonies. We used to be a lot bigger but our western counties split off during the Civil War. But the less we say about that the better.

Anyway what were we talking about? Oh yes. Virginia is a historic state. So much has happened here.  Thomas Jefferson. George Washington. James Madison. James Monroe. Just some of our founding fathers that come from our commonwealth. You know who else is from our commowealth?  Bruce Hornsby. Yeah, the guy from The Range. He had a couple of hits in the ’90s. We think he tours with the surviving members of the Grateful Dead now.

It’s a historic state. What? Oh I already mentioned that.

The reason we are addressing our fellow Americans is we in Virginia are in a bit of a bind. We are a little embarrassed to mention it. It’s silly really. But we might as well tell you directly. It’s like ripping a band aid off. Do it fast. 

Here it is:

EVERYONE in our beloved commonwealth has been photographed wearing blackface. EVERYONE. 

And it’s not confined to people. Even our dogs and cats have worn blackface.

I know!  What’s the big deal?  That’s the same thing we said.

But some sticks in the mud in the media have made a big deal out of this. We don’t know why. It’s not like we voted to dismember babies just before their birth.  Actually we did vote on that but it failed. This time.

Which brings us to why we are writing.  

Since EVERYONE in our state has now been disqualified from being governor we are asking those from outside Virginia if they would like to be our governor.

Before you say no hear us out. As governor you get to set your own hours. As governor you get an office. With a bathroom! A bathroom with modern backsplash!  As governor you get a limo at your beck and call for those 2 am Subway sandwich runs.

So think about. Apply to be our governor. All applications shall be taken seriously regardless of race, gender (which is a bourgeois construct) or creed. Everyone is welcome as long as they aren’t Irish.

We just have one condition:  Have you now or in the past worn blackface? Because if you have then unfortunately you won’t be a good fit for this position.

So to recap:  Everyone is welcome to apply and anyone excepting the Irish can be governor.

We even invite television personalities to apply for the job. Having experience in the public eye a television personality would be a perfect fit for the job.

Take for instance Joy Behar. She is a well-known and popular television personality. Perhaps she would like to apply to be our governor?

What’s that?

We have just been informed that Joy Behar has admitted to wearing blackface. Unfortunately Miss Behar has disqualified herself from being governor.

So to recap:  Send us your resume with a brief essay telling us why you would make a great governor. 

Remember anyone except the Irish or those who have worn blackface can become governor of the great Commonwealth of Virginia.

Oh, and we almost forgot. No one from West Virginia. We still haven’t forgiven them for leaving us during the Civil War.

I bet those West Virginian bastards wear blackface all the time!

We look forward to hearing from you.

The General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Thank you Virginia. You know I have never worn blackface. I might apply. I could use a limo for those 2 am sub runs.

(26)

4 Comments

4 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    I for one look forward to your new elite rulership of the Commonwealth of Virginia.

    But stay clear of appalling plaid trousers, Corvettes and, of course, blackface. I know, it shouldn’t need saying but still.

  2. LSP says:

    Oh, they’re totally fine. But muscle cars? No. Unless you’re transitioning, which is different.

Leave a Reply to Manhattan Infidel

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>