My blood burns! I must mate with you!

Jamie Farr of M*A*S*H fame was hospitalized today with what doctors are calling “Pon Farr-like symptoms.”

“Mr. Farr remains in stable condition” said a doctor attending him.

But for his own safety, and the safety of the nurses in our hospital, we had to place him in restraints. He kept trying to mate with all the nurses. Seriously he was screaming “I must mate with you or die!” I mean I’m just a humble doctor but that seems to be coming on a bit too strong. I guess that’s just how they do it in Hollywood. But still, we had to sedate him before one of the nurses maced him. He was running around the hospital screaming “I have waited seven years to mate with you.” When he would get turned down he’d pull that on another woman. He even challenged some of the men to a fight to the death. I get it. Sex is a serious business and Mr. Farr obviously takes it seriously. But come on! Anyway we gave him enough tranquilizers to knock out a NFL defensive lineman.

At first doctors thought Farr was simply drunk but after he kept requesting Plomeek soup they knew what the medical issue was.

While rare, it is not unheard of for a non-Vulcan to come down with Pon Farr and feel a need to mate. One only has to remember the career of the late Senator Ted Kennedy, who suffered with Pon Farr for most of his life. Or Warren Beatty who used to attack actresses and tell them that he was going to “Pon Farr the crap out of them.” So yeah, it happens. Luckily for Mr. Farr our staff is trained in Pon Farr and knows what to do.

After the diagnosis was made, Farr was placed in an intensive “Anti-Pon Farr” program that includes cold showers, being made to sit on a block of ice for 20 minutes at a time and having to kiss his aunt.

These treatments usually work. And Farr has shown signs of progress. After getting off the block of ice he said “Jeez all I can think of right now is how goddamn cold my nuts are.” That’s good in that he is no longer thinking of mating. And fortunately for us his testicles weren’t stuck to the ice. Sometimes that happens and they rip off when the patient tries to stand up. That can lead to lawsuits. But as I mentioned earlier this treatment appears to be working. If Mr. Farr continues to make progress he can hope to be released sometime in the next few days.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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M*A*S*H actor Jamie Farr has been released from the hospital after a recent bout with Pon Farr.

“I feel really lucky” said Mr. Farr.

“It’s a good thing my name is Farr and I got the Pon Farr. My last name could have been “Distended Colon.’ “

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